Take 2

So around mid-November 2015, the 23rd to be exact, I started lapsing back in to anorexia. I weighed myself, having managed to avoid this for the best part of three months, but only to make concrete/justify the feelings I was having about myself. It had become increasingly difficult to live within my own skin, to the point where I literally had no available alternatives to turn to modify this, but back to the restricting and purging of my e.d. And it never failed. In as little as 6 weeks I found myself right back in the midst of the devastation anorexia can bring, but I had also managed to secure some safety, bring about a sense of control, and lessen the anxiety. It's unfortunate that it is such an effective means of distress tolerance for me, for my behaviour continues to be reinforced, but there comes a point where it starts to tear down relationships, namely with my dh and children, compromise my work and study, and ultimately leave me depleted whereby I have to stand and fight again. And you know what? I'm kind of tired of it. Tired of this relentless cycle; this cycle of recovery-lapse-recovery-relapse-recovery etc. For what purpose do I continue to engage in this? It is so futile. Yes it may help me manage emotions in the short-term, but then I start to experience them to an even greater degree, with nowhere left to run. So i'm turning and facing them now. And as of yet, they have not been a portion of the discomfort I feared they would. Just mere days ago I felt as though I were a 5yr old standing upon a high diving board, looking down, but too scared to jump. Yet something happened, and i'm not sure what, but here I am, February 1st, and three days in to "regular" eating with no purging or weighing myself again. And i'm okay. In fact, i'm better than okay, I feel great! I'm not dizzy, i'm not particularly anxious (have made a concerted effort to take all of my meds each day!), I no longer have pins and needles in my arms or legs, or restless "leg" syndrome at night. I feel like I could get on the treadmill and go for a run, and while i'd be tired, I don't fear passing out. My stomach and abdomen are a little tender, both internally and to the touch, but I will survive, things have been worse before. And my thighs, well, we'll worry about that when it happens. I am dying to know what my weight is doing after these days of near-bingeing, but I have to ask myself "is it worth it?" and I know the answer is no- no it's not. Oh just so many things to consider right now, but fair to say, I am hopeful that things will continue forward in this fashion. Perhaps i'm even a little too excited about where things may go from here, but i'm living in the moment, and this moment is good :)

A whole month of success!

Well there you have it. I managed my goals for the whole month of September, and I must say, that it was probably the most positive month in a very very long time. I even had days where I thought I was through with this eating disorder in it's entirety.

I'm struggling a bit now though, and really want to weigh myself. I know I've put on weight, I can see it all around my mid-section, actually just everywhere, and it's causing great anxiety. I know that if I were to weigh myself however, everything I've just worked so hard to achieve would be undone and I would resume e.d. behaviours, so i'm not going to do that. I'm taking closer inventory of my eating again, preparing protein meals/shakes in advance, being mindful of the cakes and cookies that i'm eating, and am going to have a period where I say no to these. I'm also going to start hitting the weights and treadmill again and see how I can fare for the next month. I need to keep progressing with recovery, and right now that has to take a new turn- so I will reintroduce exercise, while keeping all new practises in place (i.e., no weighing, no calorie or macro tracking etc).

As far as illness goes, I think I may actually be free of ailments- finally!! It's only 6 months later! But hey, i'll take it. And hello spring, oh how I love spring and the warmer weather and longer days. Hopefully all of these components will add to a greater sense of wellness :)

I'm looking forward to October! Another month, a new set of goals, and greater progression towards the value-filled living I wish to be experiencing. My first baby has just had her 5th birthday, so a new season in regard to her life, and consequently ours also. Nothing can change for one person in the family without it effecting the whole unit, but change is good, it brings forth growth and expansion.

The Wellness Extends

Things are still tracking really well here. I have not slipped in regard to any of my goals and actually feel pretty good. I have my moments whereby I don't feel wonderful, and otherwise fat and yuck, but I acknowledge those emotions, accept that this is how things are in this moment, and then tell myself that like all things, this will pass, and it does. I did suffer a bit of PMS this week, which is typical for me, but it was pretty short-lived and perhaps even a little less intense than what it's been in the past, so I can't complain there.

I was also able to engage in some physical activity again, and played a game of field hockey. It was good to be back on the field, and to realise that i'm well enough to commence some degree of cardio again- YAY!! I started taking this immunity booster supplement this past week as I was growing so frustrated at how under the weather I've been, and for how long it's been, and I don't know if that has helped, or if I was going to get better again now, but i'm continuing with it until it's all gone, and then will switch back to my multi vitamins. You can take both simultaneously but i'm already downing enough meds that another 4 on top of that was just a bit much.

Therapy this past fortnight was a waste of time on all accounts. I have done so well this month that I had both psychologists speechless, and neither one wanted to bring up anything else that had the potential to 'rock the boat' so after I told them how I was, and how things had been, the session was basically called a day. One thing that i'm going to try and work out is what I think the most important element of this recovery has been. That way if I start to slip I can hold on to something of substance, and pull myself up before anything were to happen. I don't think it's been any single thing that has attributed to this effort and achievement, but perhaps a number of things that were all occurring simultaneously. I will give it some thought anyway and see what I come up with.

And there you have it. Another update, and another positive one at that.

Spring- New Beginnings

Things are going well this week. I had a lovely semi-silent mindfulness weekend retreat, and greatly benefited from this, despite considering not turning up and being highly sceptical just an hour before I got there. In fact it was so therapeutic that i'm going to try and put aside 30-40mins each day to continue practicing in this manner.

My goals in regard to not weighing, not calorie or macro counting/logging, and reducing body checking are going very well also. I have no idea where my scale is, and I haven't even gone looking for it. I have not added or input any food items anywhere, and am trying to eat intuitively. I find this a little difficult as some times I don't recognise hunger, but later in the day feel ravenous and as though i'm amidst a perpetual binge state. I would feel more comfortable if these calories were taken in across the day instead of right before bed, but i'm not actively doing anything to change that at present. I still find myself body checking but instead of reacting to this, I "simply" accept that this is how I am/look and whilst I don't have to like it (and I don't) I can continue to carry about my day without berating myself and bringing myself down with a flurry of negative thoughts and emotion.

I am considering adopting the practice of yoga in to my week- perhaps once a week just to start. I have experimented with this a couple of times in the past month and have decided that I quite like it. I also find it a means to connecting my mind and body where otherwise they'd remain as separate entities, each trying to dictate the other. I believe that yoga may be the activity that brings about a sense of wholeness to my being, or if nothing other than an increase in flexibility is experienced, then that's okay too. I shall update as my trial pursues.

I am also considering establishing an eating disorder support group, as there is nothing in my area like this, but am a little concerned at the potential degree of interest this will arouse. I do not profess to be a counsellor or specialist, or any 'helping' other, just someone who see's a need/feels a need, and wants to see this met. I will research all I can on the matter i.e. what it makes to be a great facilitator etc but i'm still anxious about the whole thing, and it's not even materializing yet! I do have the desire to see this city achieve a greater level of service and care in regard to eating disorders, in fact, the whole nation, but it's going to take a little more than just me to achieve that lol.

I'm supposed to be starting further graduate study next month also, but still have yet to complete the application form and get that away for approval. I'm somewhat nervous about that too, but I just have to bite-the-bullet so to speak and get on with it.

My first baby is about to turn 5yrs and begin school as well, so many changes happening here at the moment. They are all positive changes though, but changes none-the-less.

Frustrated

I feel pudgy. My body is all squishy and 'too much'. How do I conquer these thoughts/feelings? I can't even counter it with "my body is strong" because right now it is not- i'm sick with a head cold and chest infection, and i'm lacking in energy. I'm home with both girls today but am struggling with patience over their behaviour and squabbles, it is difficult being a mama when one is sick, and struggling with her own issues.

I just want to feel better than this. I no longer want to have these thoughts and feelings surrounding my body. I would like a healthy dis-interest in it, where I give it little thought, time, or attention. Whereby my life is bigger than this.

How do other people do it? How do people recover?

I feel sad- on the verge of tears. I don't know what is underpinning this, I don't really have the space to discover this. I am going to try and practice acknowledgement and acceptance of this emotion. I am going to simply sit with this feeling and watch it dissipate of it's own accord. I am trying to choose not to become attached to this emotion, to now call myself 'depressed', but to realise everybody universally experiences sadness, and it will pass.

Taking those first steps

I am doing well with my goals! I have been able to not weigh myself, I was able to talk to my husband about removing the scales from our bathroom, and this has been done. I have been able to walk away from body checking in the mirror when I catch myself, have refrained from tracking my intake on MFP, and have given less thought to my protein and carbohydrate ratio.

On top of this I have neither exercised all week due to my children being sick and requiring attention, or of the past few days, of me being sick again with a head cold and chest infection. Yesterday (being Sunday) I was so utterly exhausted, that despite having a friend come and stay for the weekend from Auckland, I took myself off to bed for a sleep, leaving her to look after my children! I am so grateful that I have such friends who understand what it's like to need sleep even at what seemingly appears an inappropriate time of the day. I am home from work today also, not for myself, though I definitely shouldn't be there anyway, but would've been, but because my 4yr old daughter still had a temperature of 39 degrees (celcius) last night [normal being 37 degrees]. I text my boss last night, to give her as much notice as possible, and while I know we are short staffed this month, I cannot let that determine my behaviour. She herself has known for months what this month will bring, so she can sort out her staffing issues without me feeling guilty about not being able to go in, when I have both sick children, and am sick myself.

But going back to the e.d. now, and how i'm faring with my goals, this may very well be the first time I've actually actioned recovery by myself. I have positioned myself in places/environments of recovery before, wanting recovery to be the outcome, but was still not able to take responsibility for it, and needed other people to do it for me. Behaviours had changed in the past for variable amounts of time, but always because I was seeking something else, and not recovery itself. For example, I chose to adhere to the rules whilst in residential treatment not because I thought of them bringing me to recovery, but because I didn't want to be kicked out. I changed my behaviours willingly once I was told my liver was failing and I wanted to conceive, but right after my labs returned to normal, and I hadn't conceived within the first few months, I relapsed right back to what i'd always done. This time is different. This time i'm actually taking what I know to keep me trapped in these behaviours, and challenging them. I'm perhaps for the first time really exposing myself and addressing my fears, and insecurities. And does it feel good? Well, actually, no, it does not feel good. I am petrified beyond belief. I feel vulnerable and childlike, I need reassurance and comforting. I feel like crying for a great portion of the time, and don't understand this. Scared, scared, scared, is how I feel, and it is not nice.

The practice of radical acceptance (or something like that)

Today I have decided to actively engage in radical acceptance of my body. To view it as the shell of who I am and nothing more. For too long I think I have identified my self through my appearance and nothing else. I have not been able to accept any aspect of myself for my body never measured up, and this is whom I believed myself to be. I am trying to remind myself that I do not base my friendships or judgements of people on their appearance, that is not the 'them' that I see, but what is beneath that. I am hoping/guessing that this is the same for the majority and in this way can assume that others are not judging or engaging with me based on my appearance. This may or may not help free me from my own judgemental attitude but it's one argument I can try and counter my automatic thoughts with. I am also going to start practice thought stopping whenever a thought based on my size, weight, shape, or appearance arises. For not only is this now solely weight-focused but is also starting to include facial lines and other imperfections. I followed through with a breast augmentation earlier this year, and am investigating botox currently. I figure that if I continue along this track of not accepting my appearance, continually fighting the battle of aging etc i'm going to be one mighty miserable granny, and i'd have wasted my whole life on this issue. Not only that, but these such behaviours place a distance between those closest to me, as I hide what i'm doing, I cover my insecurities, shut down my vulnerabilities and 'human-ness'. This includes my husband and my girls, and this is not what I want to be doing to my dearest and most precious relationships. I do not want to be closed off and aloof to my daughters because i'm too caught up and obsessed with myself.

The next thing i'm attempting (again) is to stop weighing myself, and to stop the body checking (primarily studying myself, or certain areas of myself, in the mirror). I'm going to stop checking for the gap between my thighs, the degree that my belly sticks out, and the amount of cellulite under my butt. I'm also going to stop tracking my calories and macro's on MFP and try for a less stressed/obsessed approach to eating. At this point i'm still going to aim for 100g of protein, and a lower carb intake, but I think if I take out the tracking, then I will become more flexible with this and achieve a more balanced intake.

I am currently taking Ripped Freak 4x a week, as I would still like to lose body fat and achieve a more defined body, but as soon as the bottle is gone I will stop with that also. I don't even know if the stuff works, but I can definitely feel some thermogenic effect, so something must be happening. I can't say whether this "happening" is good or bad, but i'm not really interested in that answer right now.

The other thing i'm supposed to be working on is bringing my mind and body back together. Due to the experiences of abuse etc of my childhood I learnt to split these. I placed all of the unconscious feelings of shame, fear, hurt, bad, etc on to my body, and through the behaviours of the e.d. and other things, found a medium to manage them. I attacked my body in an attempt to attack/deal with these emotions. And now that i'm older, and no longer in such circumstances, I no longer need these coping strategies, so can let them go. It's not just as easy as recognising that this is what I've done and therefore i'm over it, these are long practiced behaviours and rehearsed thoughts, so I need to introduce a new 'mantra' and apply as much psychological 'force' to this in order for it to take effect. This actually gives me some much needed hope that things can change, that I can change the way I think, and therefore let go of such fear and anxiety, and perhaps experience a new state of being. Just imagine having thoughts of my body that are neutral and no longer tied to these emotions- it's impossible for me to imagine, but apparently it's a reality for a lot of people. My long term ambition may actually become a reality if I achieve this- the desire to work with e.d. clients in a very present way. I've held on to this dream for so long, but have also resigned myself to the fact that i'd never achieve it, due to not attaining the recovery and freedom from the disorder myself. I had long since come to the point where i'd not even share this aspiration with anybody, but have never been able to truly let it go.