I need to recommit to recovery- no more pseudo recovery which appears lovely on the surface, but an authentic recovery which provokes movement. As things stand, I've been stagnant for too long. I continue to hold on to behaviours, even in their mildest forms, for fear of what would happen if I truly decided to embrace freedom. Yes I still have my hang-ups over weight, shape, and size, but in the past 18 months I have proven to myself that I can actually survive (emotionally, psychologically, and physically) at this higher weight. And while there are still days whereby it's all very distressing and I long for nothing more than to lose it all again, they do pass, and life carries on generally in an amiable way.
I took photographs of myself today, full length ones clothed only in my underwear. The results I found most upsetting. And of course I would, so why did I do it? I don't know- perhaps I thought I may have pleasantly surprised myself, perhaps i'd assumed the three weeks of over-training i'd just done would've had an impact on my composition, or perhaps I was looking to demean myself in such a manner to spark some motivation to run and starve again? One would think after having done that, that this would be enough trauma to put oneself through in a day, but apparently I wasn't finished yet. I then weighed myself, and then calculated my bmi. I was such a mess at the end of this process I thought i'd b/p to relieve some of the anxiety. Given it was now lunchtime I started with soup and a croissant, and then I heard the whisper of truth or reality or whatever you want to call it, and let the urge pass. It did, but the guilt remains over the croissant (this does not fit with my 'clean' eating standard), but i'm getting there.
Tomorrow I see my therapist. It's been three weeks since my last appointment and much has happened. Not so much in my physical world, but emotionally and psychologically. I wont be able to articulate all that has come and gone in that time, I can only hope to remember the more prominent parts of it and bring those to light, but even then i'll be lucky to present anything. I just do not remember things. However, in this case, I do remember how awful I've felt, how stressed and overwhelmed I've been, and my desire to run away and isolate from the world and everything/everyone in it. It really is quite unfortunate for me in these times that I have two little girls whom require their mommy. If not for them I doubt my commitment to change and recovery. This has been over a 20 year battle for me, so I don't expect miracles to happen, but for the sake of their lives I do hope for greater degrees of freedom than what i'm currently experiencing, and not just in regard to e.d. behaviours and body image, but in joy, expression, relationships etc. I'm working towards the bigger picture.
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ReplyDeletei know i have said this before, but what do you think about getting rid of your scale? your weight has such a tremendous impact on your mood and mindset. you'd be getting rid of at least one form of power the ED has over you. and then, ideally, you could move on to latching on less to numbers in terms of calories. but i am convinced the scale does nothing to help you. maybe it does help when you're afraid you've gained and you prove to yourself that you don't, but it also seems to tempt you to engage in ED behaviors quite frequently. what about relying on how your clothes fit instead of your weight? you could always lock up your scale or toss it, just for a week or x days or something, as an experiment to see how it goes?
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