Sunday, 31 May 2015

A whole week has passed..

It's been a week since I last wrote in here, but that does not in any way mean I haven't been considering my current position and where-to from here, in fact, it's been a busy week in that regard, and I've come up with the beginnings of a plan. After re-reading some recovery stuff I've decided that I really do need to give up my scale (or at least weighing) in order to reduce the focus of food and weight and consequently e.d. behaviours. I don't know how i'm going to go, but I see this literally as the only thing left I can try in order to bring about some change. I'm going to weigh myself for one last time tomorrow morning and then aim for one month scale free! I think it's a realistic goal, it wont be easy, but it should be enough time to see if there is a shift in my thinking. I have tried to remove all the mirrors that I can, as I know this will increase the likelihood of other body-checking behaviours, and am going to give it a real shot. I haven't decided what i'm going to do about my food or exercise yet, a part of me wants to move back in to the carrot and lettuce stage, another part of me wants to just enter the purge everything stage, while another part of me wants to try a protein shake in place of a real meal. In regard to exercise, I want to give up hockey, thus removing the need to perform (and therefore fuel myself adequately). I would be quite happy to embark on a weight lifting programme and continue running, while maintaining my one evening of squash. I just feel so guilty bailing out on the team at this stage in the season :(  It has been so nice having the last four weekends at home spending time with my family- they really miss out when i'm playing as it's such a large commitment with trainings and travelling.

I ended up going to my GP last week and going back on buspar. I'm on the same dose and am just going to deal with it for now. I also saw Lynne my psychologist from the e.d. specialist service. Nothing miraculous came out of that session, I just told her I had stopped restricting, purging, and exercising for the past two weeks (it's three now), and we talked about what it was that was able to pull me out of the lapse. I basically just told her that I can't afford to be dragged back in to the disorder and end up medically compromised and in hospital again, only to be forced to eat and gain the weight back again- it's just a cycle I've engaged in for far too long. And what have I gained from this cycle? Absolutely nothing. It has not fixed a thing, only occupied years and years of my life. I don't even want to go into what it has taken from me or potentially destroyed.

So from here i'm going to try something new. I'm going to stop weighing, but will probably keep with MFP at this stage, just so I have some concrete evidence at the end of this all. I could just keep my own log, which in fact may be more useful, as it could give the time of consumption, which MFP does not allow for. And by this I could also be reducing my focus on calories and macro nutrients as well. Okay, i'll run with this. And at the end of the month (so beginning of July) I will assess how things have gone, and if necessary, can then get an appointment with the dietician for further input. Ahhh the anxiety!! LOL. My next appointment is on the 10th so I can share this goal then, talk about how i'm finding it, and hopefully be encouraged to keep at it for the remainder of the month.

I shall let you know how I fare.

1 comment:

  1. i strongly recommend throwing away your scale at some point. it's the best thing i ever did for my recovery. if i am tempted to weigh myself, i can't. if i am really tempted, i have to go to the store and buy another scale plus new batteries. i actually went to look at scales last weekend. by the time i got there i had thought this through and knew it was a bad idea. if i had access to a scale there's just no way i could resist my urges to weigh myself. eventually i think that removing the source of temptation altogether will be really good for you. anyway, i am getting ahead of myself - MAJOR kudos to you for getting away from weighing yourself, that's not an easy task but it's just what you need. :)

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