Sundays' end

Here we have ourselves, nearly 8.00pm, both girls are in bed, and my first moment to myself all day. I do realise that i'm a selfish person, please don't be bothered by this, I just really didn't think through the implications this would have on my life as I brought children in to the mix. Anyway, it's been a rather awful day mood-wise for me. I've been as irritable as shit, and raging at my dear children far too frequently. This in turn has me feel terrible yet it's too late to do anything about it, as it's out and left my mouth already. And it's not just what I say, but the manner in which I deliver it, i'm fucking angry, and it's such an inappropriate degree of emotion, and it drives me up the wall. This is the very reason I went on medication, and shit me, I think it actually worked, despite me thinking it wasn't doing jack. I've been off the Buspar for four whole weeks now, and boom, irritability, sleeplessness, rage- all different manifestations of the same thing #ANXIETY. I know I really don't have a choice as to where I go from here, basically it would be in everybody's best interest if I resumed with the prescription, but I was on the highest dose, taking 4 pills 3x a day- that wore me down after time, and I started missing doses here and there, and that's when I thought "oh hey, i'm hardly taking them anyway, they mustn't be working" and so stopped taking them altogether. There is an alternative though isn't there. I could try to 'manage' my anxiety, and this would be all fine and dandy if I knew when it was about to hit, but it just like blindsides me and rarh i'm yelling and physically restraining myself from doing anything stupid, so perhaps i'm not quite at that stage yet, trying to manage these multiple episodes? But oh the shame in returning to my GP for a script renewal. She wont even blink if I ask her, it's more of the internal dialogue I feed myself in regard to how inept I am at being a stable functioning human being that is worse, but it's all part of the same process. For my children's sake however, I will put myself through whatever I have to, to ensure they have the best foundation for a "successful" life that I can offer them. One filled with unconditional love, warmth, acceptance, appreciation, communication, availability both physically and emotionally, positivity, nurture, and physical contact. It is definitely not an easy task being a mother, the toughest role one can ever elevate themselves to. All I can hope is that I do not fuck up too much with my daughters and they grow into caring, and generous girls whom know they are loved and love in return.

On another note, the e.d. front- I weighed myself. Not smart, nor stupid, just is. My weight is the same as it has been, as in I gained back the kilo or so I lost while running too much and eating too little, so i'm right back where I started nearly a month ago. Ha, what a fucking waste of time all of that was. Two weeks of beating myself into submission and denying myself, followed by a week of exhaustion whereby I couldn't bring myself to even think about jumping on the treadmill or going to any hockey trainings, though eating as though food was the only activity/exercise/past time worthy of my attention, followed by a further week of physical ailments and further eating though in a more modified manner. So I find myself right back where I started, with the same dislikes, the same goals, but perhaps i'll need to come up with a new mode of achieving them. I do not have time for anymore futile cycles, I have done my years with that, so anyone with any legitimately worthy advice for stripping bodyfat and achieving some hot shapely legs, i'm open to suggestion!!