In the midst of struggle

I'm not doing particularly well right now, ever since I weighed myself and saw that my weight had dropped. I'm no longer over-joyed at this however, the reality of what it takes to restrict and keep it down (or less) has hit me, and it sucks away all life. Once again I find my thoughts near 100% devoted to eating and not eating, and my weight, leaving little room for anything or anyone else. I don't want this to be my life anymore, yet I find myself stuck here unable to make that first jump over the hurdle into regular eating again. I saw my therapist yesterday and she asked how can we help to get you back on track, I told her there wasn't anything she could do, that I just needed to make that choice and get on with it, kind of like feel the fear and do it anyway, and we left it at that. My next appointment is in 3 weeks so I have plenty of time to get back on track, or plenty of time to lose more weight. The latter is inviting but simultaneously will only make things more difficult for me to resume non-behavioured living, oh this is so ridiculous. I just need to fucking throw food down my throat. My mood however is also low at the moment, no doubt due to the many weeks of illness I've just had/continue to have. We still don't have a diagnosis, but are making headway in the process of elimination. Yesterday my GP put me on a beta blocker to prevent the migraines, it was the lesser of two evils, but i'm not particularly happy about it. It causes my bp and hr to drop, and leaves me with absolutely no energy. I was supposed to be back at work this week, and I managed Monday and Tuesday (with repercussions, but worked none-the-less), yesterday was my day off, and today I was meant to be back, but I woke up this morning and could not open my eyes. I don't know if that was the result of the beta blocker, or if it was another atypical migraine, or if my body is just so exhausted from all of this it still needs to rest. I called in sick anyway, and then went back to sleep until midday! At that point I could have rolled over and continued sleeping but decided i'd better get out of bed or i'd be awake all night and still exhausted come tomorrow morning. But coming back to my mood, it has definitely taken a downward turn, which makes the whole eating thing harder- it's like i'm lacking the motivation and am filled with lethargy. I'm not even committed to returning to hockey to complete the competitive season anymore. I hate depression, it's so damn debilitating. Anxiety I am far more comfortable with. So where to from here? I need loving support yet am not prepared or able to reach out to anybody irl, and the shame of this damn disorder is so great that it prevents me from doing so even if there was someone. If only I physically felt well enough to exercise, then i'm sure I could turn this around. Unfortunately that is not yet the case, so what does one do?