Full recovery

What if I actually decided to commit to a full recovery, including the attainment of my set point? How would I cope with this? At present I don't think it's at all possible, and I suspect my treatment team thinks the same, and that is why I do not receive the same treatment as everybody else. For example, I get away without weigh-in's, I don't have to follow a meal plan or even see the dietician, there are no protocols in place if I start to slip, everything is on me. And while this is kind of nice, at the same time, I feel like either I don't matter, or the prospect of ever recovering is limited, hence the lack of input. I assume that others presenting to this same service (with anorexia) are required to meet regularly with the dietician and adhere to the meal plan, have an expectation of continued weight gain, and reach their set point. So why am I different? Is it because i'm older, or have struggled for longer, or what? I guess i'm disappointed that there is no expectation upon me, for perhaps if there were i'd be able to stand up to it and achieve a greater degree of freedom than I currently know. I would actually like to return to the place where I no longer obsessed over calories, weight, etc, and actually live a full life. I've experienced this once for a brief period after a residential stint, and it was the best time of my life. It has only been within that residential context however where I have ever managed to reach my set point and maintain it until I was able to accept it. I fear I will never reach that point again. How do you do it? How do you just let go and get on with it? Is support vital or is personal advocacy enough? I'm convinced I do not have the tools to cope with this task alone, but I would like to learn. I would like to know how to manage distressing emotions, and I guess i'm about to start this with my mindfulness course i'm taking, but I don't yet have this knowledge or experience. In Mercy I had staff and my counsellor to turn to at these moments, somebody else whom could talk down the voice of the eating disorder and help with my perception and reality. And while I have therapists i'm working with now, they are not at my beckon call 24/7 as they were in that setting. I carry so much shame in still being caught up in this, it's such an adolescent illness and yet here I am at 36 years still struggling. How do I get out of this entanglement?