It starts with breakfast

I am having breakfast this morning for the first time this week, and in goodness knows how many weeks tbh- it's always the most difficult meal for me. I am still struggling with being unwell, now with vertigo, I swear i'll never catch a break! It came on suddenly (and intensely) last night at 10pm, I was laying in bed reading my kindle, on my side, not moving, and boom got side-blinded by the sudden onset of dizziness. If I had of been standing i'm sure i'd have fallen over. It worried me somewhat as nothing precipitated it, I was honestly just laying there, as still as stone. An hour later I got up to go the bathroom and had to hold on to the bed, then the wall, in order to get there without falling over. I do not know where all of this shit is coming from, and I've had enough! This will be the fourth week now and i'm ready to be up and adam, feeling as I was prior to all of this, physically at least. I do not, and will not call in sick again this coming week. Even if I can't walk straight I will get my dh to drive me to work so I can work. My youngest daughter now too has my cold, so I can see myself having to take a couple of days off work to care for her if it gets her down as it did me. Thankfully the vertigo is quite mild at the moment and I can sit here and update, for later i'm sure i'll be back in bed with my eyes closed unable to do anything more. My husband has just taken the girls outside for a walk to offer me some quiet time, which is thoughtful. He has been better of late in things such as this, which makes me want to be better and work harder for him/our marriage also. I had all but given up on it about a month ago.

So where are things at in regard to the eating disorder? Well I failed at my one-month free of weighing goal a couple of days ago, and hopped on the scales. The dumb thing about doing that, is I wanted to hop on them again the very next morning (I only weigh first thing in the morning on any given day, completely unclothed, and after having been to the bathroom). I resisted this however, but don't think I have it in me at this time to see out the rest of the month, so this goal may be moved over to July. I have managed to keep away from MFP though, and instead have been writing in a notebook the contents of my intake and the time of consumption. I will take this with me to my appointment this coming Wednesday and ask if the dietician can go over it, setting up an appointment to see her and discuss where to from here. Unfortunately it's a little restrictive and perhaps not a true indication of what i'd normally be eating, as my appetite hasn't been on game since I got sick, but then at the same time, I am being very conscious of what i'm eating, and there is a fair bit of negative self talk going on, and honest refusal of foods, and this may well be due to the fact that i'm not counting calories so am somewhat anxious about that, on top of not being able to exercise. So the eating disorder thoughts are still very much present, and in essence i'm acting on them, even if not to the severity of the past.

I worked out that i'm about 20 months in to this recovery attempt now, and two years since my last hospital admission. I have had my slips and lapses along the way, but generally I've done the best ever outside of a supported environment such as IP or Residential. I put this down to attempting to do this in a manner which is slow enough for me to maintain, feeling like i'm controlling the tempo and overall process. As cliché as it is, it has been that 2-steps forward 3-steps back, 3-steps forward 1-step back that has brought me to where i'm at now. There were often times when I couldn't see the progress but taking a moment here and now I can view glimpses of momentum and success. I'm definitely not out of the woods so to speak, and have many a mountain yet to climb, but it's encouraging to see that it's not all for nothing. If only it didn't take so long LOL.