Nobody can look after me as well as I can myself

I have taken another day off work today to rest my body, and hopefully hasten the recovery process for this cold or whatever it is that I have. I decided that feeling guilty about not being at work was not a valid reason to ignore my body's needs. I decided that I didn't care whether or not people would start to talk about how many sick days I've had off in recent weeks, or if anybody thought I was milking my symptoms. It is my body and I have to live in it, and if I don't take adequate care of it, it's me who continues to suffer and not anybody else. This is my first stand of assertiveness and it's not as scary as imagined! This is my life after all and i'm the one whom has to live with my successes and regrets, so it's about time I started living it in a way that is congruent to my wants and values- I want to be well and i'm learning to value health. Yet in saying that, I still struggle immensely to take any supplements that may make my health more optimal, the likes of iron pills, omega 3, etc. I don't know why this is such a difficulty for me, but it always has been. I know there are no calories in the supplements, and i'm happy enough to take anti depressants and anti biotics, anything that will have me feeling better in that regard, so it make little sense, in fact, it's ridiculous! I know that taking these prescribed iron pills will make me feel better, they will give me an added source of energy, perhaps lifting the current lethargy, however, I cannot bring myself to start them yet. It's like I want to see how low I can go, how far I can push my body before I really do need to address it- it's lunacy and it's frustrating. But enough about that. I am actually starting to feel better today I think. I was awake half the night coughing, but perhaps I should be thankful as it appears to have been highly productive. This is also the first day all week that I've had an appetite and managed to eat something before noon, so a further good sign. I am a little anxious now about my appetite returning in a vengeance but I will attempt to manage that as best I can. In one sense i'm grateful that I resisted the urge to weigh myself yesterday, as I have no new lower number to feel miserable about surpassing with the return of normal and regular eating, but on the other hand i'm desperate to know what my current weight is. Not that it's even relevant, or a matter in the big picture, I mean who cares if I lost a kilo, nobody but me can even notice that, it's just unfortunate that the 'reward' I feel for such thing is so elevated and reinforcing- the very reason I need to remain off the scales!

Amongst other thoughts, i'm contemplating starting the 'New Rules of Lifting for Women' complete with meal plan. I've had the book for over a year now, and I did attempt to start the weight training aspect some time ago, but somewhere along the way I stopped. I have now printed off the first and second stages of the program and will start when I am feeling better. I will re-read the nutrition chapter and then see if I can implement that as well. I have decided that I will see the hockey season out but see if I can treat it as it's intended, just a game, just something else I do, and not something that defines me as a good or bad person, with all the stress that this causes me. It will still interfere with the time I have to spend together as a family, but perhaps my husband can join me with the girls every other week and come and watch, and we can all do something together afterwards, even if it's just something as simple as going to the lake, or getting dinner. We just have to make it work.

I am starting to feel the pressure of my mother to drop a second day at work in order to work more for her again, and I don't know what to do about this. I enjoy my job, well both jobs really, but I don't want to go making changes to my schedule at this stage, not when things are only just starting to settle somewhat at work. I'll give it another couple of months and then see where things are at. Perhaps when Olivia starts school it would be a good time to drop down to three days? I have to decide what it is I even want to be doing- what field I want to be working in.. early childhood or tourism? psychology or occupational therapy? Right now is not the time for me to consider this however, I will come to that when I feel I am an solid footing and a secure foundation laid for the future. I do feel that I am moving in the right direction though, so this too is positive.