Lost

Very original title, for very original behaviour. I've lost some weight. It was not intentional, and by all accounts I actually thought I had gained, which is what led me to weigh myself in the first place. The loss can only be put down to the nausea of which I've been near-daily experiencing and a reduction in intake on those days, but, the effect of knowing I've lost is most detrimental to my recovery. I am ridiculously excited by it, having struggled through my once-current weight for months trying to accept it. And now that it's lower, i'm paranoid i'm just going to gain it back again, and feel as uncomfortable as I was then. I am now consciously choosing restriction and relishing in the sensation of hunger, because assuredly this will mean I can't be gaining. This is the one thing on my mind again, well not the only thing, but it is taking precedence, and rationally I know this is not good, but damned if I want to gain any, and really, if I were completely honest, i'd like to strive for the next lower weight just to ensure I wont get back up where I was. Or maybe i'm just over-analysing it all, and as soon as i'm well and able to start exercising again I can drop the obsession with the number and work at feeling fit and healthy- if that day ever fricken comes, for as things stand, i'm currently at consecutive day #4 of vertigo and still bed-ridden. My dad did pop around this morning however, so I got up for that, and tried as I might to appear normal, but there was no fooling anyone, so I ended up telling him the truth. Now he will take that back to my mother and she will call this evening and ask me what i'm going to do about all of this, suggest I quit work because I can't handle the stress, tell me i'll never be able to work a full time job, and leave me feeling the guilt and blame for whatever physical mess is happening to me of late, like I've caused it, like I choose it, just augh!

Physical vs Psychological

Well it has been a while since my last post, and not for lack of "recovering" but for lack of ability. I have been plagued with severe headaches, migraines, intense vertigo, daily nausea, colds/flus/infections, a seizure, high blood pressure, high resting heart rate, low iron etc, and no one knows why. This all started about 6 weeks ago, and since then I've pulled back from all exercise and have rested my body, mostly because my symptoms wouldn't allow me to do anything, but things have only continued to get worse, and symptoms intensify. I have spent days in hospital getting fluids, CT scans, special blood work done, and to no avail. We now have to go through the process of elimination and see if by removing anything from my life, my symptoms disappear. So the first thing we are trialling is my contraceptive pill, as that is the last thing that I went on. I will have to undergo a meds review with my psychiatrist, and see if they are causing any of these 'side effects', though I imagine this is highly doubtful as I've been on these meds for a while now. One thing they are considering is that perhaps I do not have enough serotonin floating around in my brain, but goodness knows, for all and any medications the side effects contradict each other. Regardless, I really would like to get to the bottom of it and have my life return to how it was. Obviously i'm going to have to slow down in some areas, perhaps even give up hockey at this level, but right now I don't even care about that. I've not done any form of exercise in the past 6 weeks and I really haven't felt overly anxious about it, firstly because I've been so exhausted, but also because due to the nausea I haven't been able to consume a whole lot. I have been ensuring that I do eat as much as I can though, I realised after a mere two days of minimal eating how all too easy it would be to lapse and ride these symptoms for all they were worth. In just those two days my thoughts started to sway in strength of the eating disorder, and I knew then that I could not afford for things to continue. My GP prescribed an anti-nausea medication, which I was reluctant to take at first, but once I did have it in my system it was amazing how much better in myself I started to feel again. I did have moments of anxiety whereby I thought 'omg i'm going to eat too much' and even stopped taking the meds for a couple of days to control [restrict] my intake again, then got some sense back and am regularly taking them again. Honestly, at this point however, I just want to be well. I want to be able to go back to work, I want to be able to not feel anxious when I go to bed each night for fear of what the morning will bring. I want to have the energy to live life again. I'm all but bed-bound at this point, if not due to the severity of my headaches or vertigo, then out of pure exhaustion of fighting this. And it is starting to weigh on me. I'm tired of it and at times almost ready to give up and accept that i'm a current cot-case and can do little more than sleep. I don't know if I actually have it in me to really give up and accept defeat, for I hate to be in such a vulnerable position, relying on other people to help out in areas that are my responsibility. I hate to ever be in this place of need, it makes me incredibly uncomfortable, and the sooner I get out of it the better. My parents have been useless in regard to helping out any, despite the fact that my father is retired and at home not doing anything. I call him to say that i'm being driven to ED as my current symptoms at that time were resembling a stroke, and could he come over and collect the girls from daycare. He tells me he's busy 'working on the boat'. Yes, because that is far more important. My mother then calls me the following day to see what is going on, and the only message she wants to impart is that 'there is never a dull moment in your life is there'. No doubt she believes this is all due to the fact that i'm again engaging in e.d. behaviours, and hence the lack of empathy or support, but this is just how she is, how she has always been. Even as a child, there was no care or concern if I was unwell, it was always an occasion to yell at me. Even at 15yrs when I turned up at ED with severe abdominal pain by myself, to be told I had appendicitis and needed surgery, this was met with fury and was told it was my fault and a result from all the running I was doing, like seriously women?! Anyway, same story, same response well in to adulthood, and i'm over it. Just don't fucking call me if you're going to be negative, I don't need to deal with that on top of everything else. But clearly it has upset me, and is something I will take to therapy tomorrow, as I don't know what to do with it, how to let it go, how to not allow it to continue to effect me. And that basically is the past 6 weeks in a nutshell- i'm physically battling conditions with no known cause, not knowing one day from the next what i'm going to be faced with, if i'll be well or bed-ridden. I do know each day that i'm still making progress in my journey toward recovery, that i'm not going to use this as an excuse to lose weight, or to allow the thoughts of negativity and futility to reign.

It starts with breakfast

I am having breakfast this morning for the first time this week, and in goodness knows how many weeks tbh- it's always the most difficult meal for me. I am still struggling with being unwell, now with vertigo, I swear i'll never catch a break! It came on suddenly (and intensely) last night at 10pm, I was laying in bed reading my kindle, on my side, not moving, and boom got side-blinded by the sudden onset of dizziness. If I had of been standing i'm sure i'd have fallen over. It worried me somewhat as nothing precipitated it, I was honestly just laying there, as still as stone. An hour later I got up to go the bathroom and had to hold on to the bed, then the wall, in order to get there without falling over. I do not know where all of this shit is coming from, and I've had enough! This will be the fourth week now and i'm ready to be up and adam, feeling as I was prior to all of this, physically at least. I do not, and will not call in sick again this coming week. Even if I can't walk straight I will get my dh to drive me to work so I can work. My youngest daughter now too has my cold, so I can see myself having to take a couple of days off work to care for her if it gets her down as it did me. Thankfully the vertigo is quite mild at the moment and I can sit here and update, for later i'm sure i'll be back in bed with my eyes closed unable to do anything more. My husband has just taken the girls outside for a walk to offer me some quiet time, which is thoughtful. He has been better of late in things such as this, which makes me want to be better and work harder for him/our marriage also. I had all but given up on it about a month ago.

So where are things at in regard to the eating disorder? Well I failed at my one-month free of weighing goal a couple of days ago, and hopped on the scales. The dumb thing about doing that, is I wanted to hop on them again the very next morning (I only weigh first thing in the morning on any given day, completely unclothed, and after having been to the bathroom). I resisted this however, but don't think I have it in me at this time to see out the rest of the month, so this goal may be moved over to July. I have managed to keep away from MFP though, and instead have been writing in a notebook the contents of my intake and the time of consumption. I will take this with me to my appointment this coming Wednesday and ask if the dietician can go over it, setting up an appointment to see her and discuss where to from here. Unfortunately it's a little restrictive and perhaps not a true indication of what i'd normally be eating, as my appetite hasn't been on game since I got sick, but then at the same time, I am being very conscious of what i'm eating, and there is a fair bit of negative self talk going on, and honest refusal of foods, and this may well be due to the fact that i'm not counting calories so am somewhat anxious about that, on top of not being able to exercise. So the eating disorder thoughts are still very much present, and in essence i'm acting on them, even if not to the severity of the past.

I worked out that i'm about 20 months in to this recovery attempt now, and two years since my last hospital admission. I have had my slips and lapses along the way, but generally I've done the best ever outside of a supported environment such as IP or Residential. I put this down to attempting to do this in a manner which is slow enough for me to maintain, feeling like i'm controlling the tempo and overall process. As cliché as it is, it has been that 2-steps forward 3-steps back, 3-steps forward 1-step back that has brought me to where i'm at now. There were often times when I couldn't see the progress but taking a moment here and now I can view glimpses of momentum and success. I'm definitely not out of the woods so to speak, and have many a mountain yet to climb, but it's encouraging to see that it's not all for nothing. If only it didn't take so long LOL.

Nobody can look after me as well as I can myself

I have taken another day off work today to rest my body, and hopefully hasten the recovery process for this cold or whatever it is that I have. I decided that feeling guilty about not being at work was not a valid reason to ignore my body's needs. I decided that I didn't care whether or not people would start to talk about how many sick days I've had off in recent weeks, or if anybody thought I was milking my symptoms. It is my body and I have to live in it, and if I don't take adequate care of it, it's me who continues to suffer and not anybody else. This is my first stand of assertiveness and it's not as scary as imagined! This is my life after all and i'm the one whom has to live with my successes and regrets, so it's about time I started living it in a way that is congruent to my wants and values- I want to be well and i'm learning to value health. Yet in saying that, I still struggle immensely to take any supplements that may make my health more optimal, the likes of iron pills, omega 3, etc. I don't know why this is such a difficulty for me, but it always has been. I know there are no calories in the supplements, and i'm happy enough to take anti depressants and anti biotics, anything that will have me feeling better in that regard, so it make little sense, in fact, it's ridiculous! I know that taking these prescribed iron pills will make me feel better, they will give me an added source of energy, perhaps lifting the current lethargy, however, I cannot bring myself to start them yet. It's like I want to see how low I can go, how far I can push my body before I really do need to address it- it's lunacy and it's frustrating. But enough about that. I am actually starting to feel better today I think. I was awake half the night coughing, but perhaps I should be thankful as it appears to have been highly productive. This is also the first day all week that I've had an appetite and managed to eat something before noon, so a further good sign. I am a little anxious now about my appetite returning in a vengeance but I will attempt to manage that as best I can. In one sense i'm grateful that I resisted the urge to weigh myself yesterday, as I have no new lower number to feel miserable about surpassing with the return of normal and regular eating, but on the other hand i'm desperate to know what my current weight is. Not that it's even relevant, or a matter in the big picture, I mean who cares if I lost a kilo, nobody but me can even notice that, it's just unfortunate that the 'reward' I feel for such thing is so elevated and reinforcing- the very reason I need to remain off the scales!

Amongst other thoughts, i'm contemplating starting the 'New Rules of Lifting for Women' complete with meal plan. I've had the book for over a year now, and I did attempt to start the weight training aspect some time ago, but somewhere along the way I stopped. I have now printed off the first and second stages of the program and will start when I am feeling better. I will re-read the nutrition chapter and then see if I can implement that as well. I have decided that I will see the hockey season out but see if I can treat it as it's intended, just a game, just something else I do, and not something that defines me as a good or bad person, with all the stress that this causes me. It will still interfere with the time I have to spend together as a family, but perhaps my husband can join me with the girls every other week and come and watch, and we can all do something together afterwards, even if it's just something as simple as going to the lake, or getting dinner. We just have to make it work.

I am starting to feel the pressure of my mother to drop a second day at work in order to work more for her again, and I don't know what to do about this. I enjoy my job, well both jobs really, but I don't want to go making changes to my schedule at this stage, not when things are only just starting to settle somewhat at work. I'll give it another couple of months and then see where things are at. Perhaps when Olivia starts school it would be a good time to drop down to three days? I have to decide what it is I even want to be doing- what field I want to be working in.. early childhood or tourism? psychology or occupational therapy? Right now is not the time for me to consider this however, I will come to that when I feel I am an solid footing and a secure foundation laid for the future. I do feel that I am moving in the right direction though, so this too is positive.

So far so good

We are only a few days in to my month-free weighing and MFP, but things are going okay. I say okay because I appear to be restricting my intake anyway. I don't know whether this is by choice or if because i'm just not that hungry with how unwell I am. I guess I could adhere to regular eating despite how I feel physically, but I do actually enjoy moments of being able to consume less. This of course has me want to weigh myself to see if it's come to anything, but i'm holding back. I haven't been able to resume any form of exercise yet, i'm struggling to make it through a regular day of work, which is somewhat physical, but even today, my day off, i'm so tired I could have slept for a good portion of it (instead I had a hair appointment, and bloods to be redrawn, and am making dinner so by the time I come home from a late afternoon meeting my husband could've fed our children [and himself]). I am seriously considering taking the rest of the week off as well, I just want to feel better already, and I know the more I push myself, the longer I will take to get over this. I just feel so guilty not being there, as it's a real team environment. But really, my health, and my children's health, should come first. It would also keep me out of public eye which would make me feel better, as my skin has broken out and I feel so hideously UGLY! Add a break out to an already pale and unwell looking face and it's just a disaster :(