Take 2

So around mid-November 2015, the 23rd to be exact, I started lapsing back in to anorexia. I weighed myself, having managed to avoid this for the best part of three months, but only to make concrete/justify the feelings I was having about myself. It had become increasingly difficult to live within my own skin, to the point where I literally had no available alternatives to turn to modify this, but back to the restricting and purging of my e.d. And it never failed. In as little as 6 weeks I found myself right back in the midst of the devastation anorexia can bring, but I had also managed to secure some safety, bring about a sense of control, and lessen the anxiety. It's unfortunate that it is such an effective means of distress tolerance for me, for my behaviour continues to be reinforced, but there comes a point where it starts to tear down relationships, namely with my dh and children, compromise my work and study, and ultimately leave me depleted whereby I have to stand and fight again. And you know what? I'm kind of tired of it. Tired of this relentless cycle; this cycle of recovery-lapse-recovery-relapse-recovery etc. For what purpose do I continue to engage in this? It is so futile. Yes it may help me manage emotions in the short-term, but then I start to experience them to an even greater degree, with nowhere left to run. So i'm turning and facing them now. And as of yet, they have not been a portion of the discomfort I feared they would. Just mere days ago I felt as though I were a 5yr old standing upon a high diving board, looking down, but too scared to jump. Yet something happened, and i'm not sure what, but here I am, February 1st, and three days in to "regular" eating with no purging or weighing myself again. And i'm okay. In fact, i'm better than okay, I feel great! I'm not dizzy, i'm not particularly anxious (have made a concerted effort to take all of my meds each day!), I no longer have pins and needles in my arms or legs, or restless "leg" syndrome at night. I feel like I could get on the treadmill and go for a run, and while i'd be tired, I don't fear passing out. My stomach and abdomen are a little tender, both internally and to the touch, but I will survive, things have been worse before. And my thighs, well, we'll worry about that when it happens. I am dying to know what my weight is doing after these days of near-bingeing, but I have to ask myself "is it worth it?" and I know the answer is no- no it's not. Oh just so many things to consider right now, but fair to say, I am hopeful that things will continue forward in this fashion. Perhaps i'm even a little too excited about where things may go from here, but i'm living in the moment, and this moment is good :)