Full recovery

What if I actually decided to commit to a full recovery, including the attainment of my set point? How would I cope with this? At present I don't think it's at all possible, and I suspect my treatment team thinks the same, and that is why I do not receive the same treatment as everybody else. For example, I get away without weigh-in's, I don't have to follow a meal plan or even see the dietician, there are no protocols in place if I start to slip, everything is on me. And while this is kind of nice, at the same time, I feel like either I don't matter, or the prospect of ever recovering is limited, hence the lack of input. I assume that others presenting to this same service (with anorexia) are required to meet regularly with the dietician and adhere to the meal plan, have an expectation of continued weight gain, and reach their set point. So why am I different? Is it because i'm older, or have struggled for longer, or what? I guess i'm disappointed that there is no expectation upon me, for perhaps if there were i'd be able to stand up to it and achieve a greater degree of freedom than I currently know. I would actually like to return to the place where I no longer obsessed over calories, weight, etc, and actually live a full life. I've experienced this once for a brief period after a residential stint, and it was the best time of my life. It has only been within that residential context however where I have ever managed to reach my set point and maintain it until I was able to accept it. I fear I will never reach that point again. How do you do it? How do you just let go and get on with it? Is support vital or is personal advocacy enough? I'm convinced I do not have the tools to cope with this task alone, but I would like to learn. I would like to know how to manage distressing emotions, and I guess i'm about to start this with my mindfulness course i'm taking, but I don't yet have this knowledge or experience. In Mercy I had staff and my counsellor to turn to at these moments, somebody else whom could talk down the voice of the eating disorder and help with my perception and reality. And while I have therapists i'm working with now, they are not at my beckon call 24/7 as they were in that setting. I carry so much shame in still being caught up in this, it's such an adolescent illness and yet here I am at 36 years still struggling. How do I get out of this entanglement?

In the midst of struggle

I'm not doing particularly well right now, ever since I weighed myself and saw that my weight had dropped. I'm no longer over-joyed at this however, the reality of what it takes to restrict and keep it down (or less) has hit me, and it sucks away all life. Once again I find my thoughts near 100% devoted to eating and not eating, and my weight, leaving little room for anything or anyone else. I don't want this to be my life anymore, yet I find myself stuck here unable to make that first jump over the hurdle into regular eating again. I saw my therapist yesterday and she asked how can we help to get you back on track, I told her there wasn't anything she could do, that I just needed to make that choice and get on with it, kind of like feel the fear and do it anyway, and we left it at that. My next appointment is in 3 weeks so I have plenty of time to get back on track, or plenty of time to lose more weight. The latter is inviting but simultaneously will only make things more difficult for me to resume non-behavioured living, oh this is so ridiculous. I just need to fucking throw food down my throat. My mood however is also low at the moment, no doubt due to the many weeks of illness I've just had/continue to have. We still don't have a diagnosis, but are making headway in the process of elimination. Yesterday my GP put me on a beta blocker to prevent the migraines, it was the lesser of two evils, but i'm not particularly happy about it. It causes my bp and hr to drop, and leaves me with absolutely no energy. I was supposed to be back at work this week, and I managed Monday and Tuesday (with repercussions, but worked none-the-less), yesterday was my day off, and today I was meant to be back, but I woke up this morning and could not open my eyes. I don't know if that was the result of the beta blocker, or if it was another atypical migraine, or if my body is just so exhausted from all of this it still needs to rest. I called in sick anyway, and then went back to sleep until midday! At that point I could have rolled over and continued sleeping but decided i'd better get out of bed or i'd be awake all night and still exhausted come tomorrow morning. But coming back to my mood, it has definitely taken a downward turn, which makes the whole eating thing harder- it's like i'm lacking the motivation and am filled with lethargy. I'm not even committed to returning to hockey to complete the competitive season anymore. I hate depression, it's so damn debilitating. Anxiety I am far more comfortable with. So where to from here? I need loving support yet am not prepared or able to reach out to anybody irl, and the shame of this damn disorder is so great that it prevents me from doing so even if there was someone. If only I physically felt well enough to exercise, then i'm sure I could turn this around. Unfortunately that is not yet the case, so what does one do?

Re-centered

After a wee lapse whereby I consciously restricted my intake, and engaged in a bp session over the past few days, I have since considered my actions, and decided that I should have engaged my brain before the bp and employed the opposite action, which would have been one of self-care/self-soothing. I've also decided to find some positive quotes to help with my body image to write up on the blackboard on my wall, and on my bathroom mirror. It may sound trite but i'm prepared to give it a go. I also want to feed myself all the positivity I can, and try and recognise any negative messages I listen to and see if I can contradict them- or at very least, recognise them and let them pass. I am supposed to be starting a mindfulness course in 4 weeks time, so thought i'd try and get some practise in first, for i'm surely going to suck at 'experiencing/living the moment'. I think I am doing better at this, but it's never been a strong point of mine, and has typically been something I've run a mile from. Anything to do with feeling or experiencing and i'm done.