A whole month of success!

Well there you have it. I managed my goals for the whole month of September, and I must say, that it was probably the most positive month in a very very long time. I even had days where I thought I was through with this eating disorder in it's entirety.

I'm struggling a bit now though, and really want to weigh myself. I know I've put on weight, I can see it all around my mid-section, actually just everywhere, and it's causing great anxiety. I know that if I were to weigh myself however, everything I've just worked so hard to achieve would be undone and I would resume e.d. behaviours, so i'm not going to do that. I'm taking closer inventory of my eating again, preparing protein meals/shakes in advance, being mindful of the cakes and cookies that i'm eating, and am going to have a period where I say no to these. I'm also going to start hitting the weights and treadmill again and see how I can fare for the next month. I need to keep progressing with recovery, and right now that has to take a new turn- so I will reintroduce exercise, while keeping all new practises in place (i.e., no weighing, no calorie or macro tracking etc).

As far as illness goes, I think I may actually be free of ailments- finally!! It's only 6 months later! But hey, i'll take it. And hello spring, oh how I love spring and the warmer weather and longer days. Hopefully all of these components will add to a greater sense of wellness :)

I'm looking forward to October! Another month, a new set of goals, and greater progression towards the value-filled living I wish to be experiencing. My first baby has just had her 5th birthday, so a new season in regard to her life, and consequently ours also. Nothing can change for one person in the family without it effecting the whole unit, but change is good, it brings forth growth and expansion.

The Wellness Extends

Things are still tracking really well here. I have not slipped in regard to any of my goals and actually feel pretty good. I have my moments whereby I don't feel wonderful, and otherwise fat and yuck, but I acknowledge those emotions, accept that this is how things are in this moment, and then tell myself that like all things, this will pass, and it does. I did suffer a bit of PMS this week, which is typical for me, but it was pretty short-lived and perhaps even a little less intense than what it's been in the past, so I can't complain there.

I was also able to engage in some physical activity again, and played a game of field hockey. It was good to be back on the field, and to realise that i'm well enough to commence some degree of cardio again- YAY!! I started taking this immunity booster supplement this past week as I was growing so frustrated at how under the weather I've been, and for how long it's been, and I don't know if that has helped, or if I was going to get better again now, but i'm continuing with it until it's all gone, and then will switch back to my multi vitamins. You can take both simultaneously but i'm already downing enough meds that another 4 on top of that was just a bit much.

Therapy this past fortnight was a waste of time on all accounts. I have done so well this month that I had both psychologists speechless, and neither one wanted to bring up anything else that had the potential to 'rock the boat' so after I told them how I was, and how things had been, the session was basically called a day. One thing that i'm going to try and work out is what I think the most important element of this recovery has been. That way if I start to slip I can hold on to something of substance, and pull myself up before anything were to happen. I don't think it's been any single thing that has attributed to this effort and achievement, but perhaps a number of things that were all occurring simultaneously. I will give it some thought anyway and see what I come up with.

And there you have it. Another update, and another positive one at that.

Spring- New Beginnings

Things are going well this week. I had a lovely semi-silent mindfulness weekend retreat, and greatly benefited from this, despite considering not turning up and being highly sceptical just an hour before I got there. In fact it was so therapeutic that i'm going to try and put aside 30-40mins each day to continue practicing in this manner.

My goals in regard to not weighing, not calorie or macro counting/logging, and reducing body checking are going very well also. I have no idea where my scale is, and I haven't even gone looking for it. I have not added or input any food items anywhere, and am trying to eat intuitively. I find this a little difficult as some times I don't recognise hunger, but later in the day feel ravenous and as though i'm amidst a perpetual binge state. I would feel more comfortable if these calories were taken in across the day instead of right before bed, but i'm not actively doing anything to change that at present. I still find myself body checking but instead of reacting to this, I "simply" accept that this is how I am/look and whilst I don't have to like it (and I don't) I can continue to carry about my day without berating myself and bringing myself down with a flurry of negative thoughts and emotion.

I am considering adopting the practice of yoga in to my week- perhaps once a week just to start. I have experimented with this a couple of times in the past month and have decided that I quite like it. I also find it a means to connecting my mind and body where otherwise they'd remain as separate entities, each trying to dictate the other. I believe that yoga may be the activity that brings about a sense of wholeness to my being, or if nothing other than an increase in flexibility is experienced, then that's okay too. I shall update as my trial pursues.

I am also considering establishing an eating disorder support group, as there is nothing in my area like this, but am a little concerned at the potential degree of interest this will arouse. I do not profess to be a counsellor or specialist, or any 'helping' other, just someone who see's a need/feels a need, and wants to see this met. I will research all I can on the matter i.e. what it makes to be a great facilitator etc but i'm still anxious about the whole thing, and it's not even materializing yet! I do have the desire to see this city achieve a greater level of service and care in regard to eating disorders, in fact, the whole nation, but it's going to take a little more than just me to achieve that lol.

I'm supposed to be starting further graduate study next month also, but still have yet to complete the application form and get that away for approval. I'm somewhat nervous about that too, but I just have to bite-the-bullet so to speak and get on with it.

My first baby is about to turn 5yrs and begin school as well, so many changes happening here at the moment. They are all positive changes though, but changes none-the-less.

Frustrated

I feel pudgy. My body is all squishy and 'too much'. How do I conquer these thoughts/feelings? I can't even counter it with "my body is strong" because right now it is not- i'm sick with a head cold and chest infection, and i'm lacking in energy. I'm home with both girls today but am struggling with patience over their behaviour and squabbles, it is difficult being a mama when one is sick, and struggling with her own issues.

I just want to feel better than this. I no longer want to have these thoughts and feelings surrounding my body. I would like a healthy dis-interest in it, where I give it little thought, time, or attention. Whereby my life is bigger than this.

How do other people do it? How do people recover?

I feel sad- on the verge of tears. I don't know what is underpinning this, I don't really have the space to discover this. I am going to try and practice acknowledgement and acceptance of this emotion. I am going to simply sit with this feeling and watch it dissipate of it's own accord. I am trying to choose not to become attached to this emotion, to now call myself 'depressed', but to realise everybody universally experiences sadness, and it will pass.

Taking those first steps

I am doing well with my goals! I have been able to not weigh myself, I was able to talk to my husband about removing the scales from our bathroom, and this has been done. I have been able to walk away from body checking in the mirror when I catch myself, have refrained from tracking my intake on MFP, and have given less thought to my protein and carbohydrate ratio.

On top of this I have neither exercised all week due to my children being sick and requiring attention, or of the past few days, of me being sick again with a head cold and chest infection. Yesterday (being Sunday) I was so utterly exhausted, that despite having a friend come and stay for the weekend from Auckland, I took myself off to bed for a sleep, leaving her to look after my children! I am so grateful that I have such friends who understand what it's like to need sleep even at what seemingly appears an inappropriate time of the day. I am home from work today also, not for myself, though I definitely shouldn't be there anyway, but would've been, but because my 4yr old daughter still had a temperature of 39 degrees (celcius) last night [normal being 37 degrees]. I text my boss last night, to give her as much notice as possible, and while I know we are short staffed this month, I cannot let that determine my behaviour. She herself has known for months what this month will bring, so she can sort out her staffing issues without me feeling guilty about not being able to go in, when I have both sick children, and am sick myself.

But going back to the e.d. now, and how i'm faring with my goals, this may very well be the first time I've actually actioned recovery by myself. I have positioned myself in places/environments of recovery before, wanting recovery to be the outcome, but was still not able to take responsibility for it, and needed other people to do it for me. Behaviours had changed in the past for variable amounts of time, but always because I was seeking something else, and not recovery itself. For example, I chose to adhere to the rules whilst in residential treatment not because I thought of them bringing me to recovery, but because I didn't want to be kicked out. I changed my behaviours willingly once I was told my liver was failing and I wanted to conceive, but right after my labs returned to normal, and I hadn't conceived within the first few months, I relapsed right back to what i'd always done. This time is different. This time i'm actually taking what I know to keep me trapped in these behaviours, and challenging them. I'm perhaps for the first time really exposing myself and addressing my fears, and insecurities. And does it feel good? Well, actually, no, it does not feel good. I am petrified beyond belief. I feel vulnerable and childlike, I need reassurance and comforting. I feel like crying for a great portion of the time, and don't understand this. Scared, scared, scared, is how I feel, and it is not nice.

The practice of radical acceptance (or something like that)

Today I have decided to actively engage in radical acceptance of my body. To view it as the shell of who I am and nothing more. For too long I think I have identified my self through my appearance and nothing else. I have not been able to accept any aspect of myself for my body never measured up, and this is whom I believed myself to be. I am trying to remind myself that I do not base my friendships or judgements of people on their appearance, that is not the 'them' that I see, but what is beneath that. I am hoping/guessing that this is the same for the majority and in this way can assume that others are not judging or engaging with me based on my appearance. This may or may not help free me from my own judgemental attitude but it's one argument I can try and counter my automatic thoughts with. I am also going to start practice thought stopping whenever a thought based on my size, weight, shape, or appearance arises. For not only is this now solely weight-focused but is also starting to include facial lines and other imperfections. I followed through with a breast augmentation earlier this year, and am investigating botox currently. I figure that if I continue along this track of not accepting my appearance, continually fighting the battle of aging etc i'm going to be one mighty miserable granny, and i'd have wasted my whole life on this issue. Not only that, but these such behaviours place a distance between those closest to me, as I hide what i'm doing, I cover my insecurities, shut down my vulnerabilities and 'human-ness'. This includes my husband and my girls, and this is not what I want to be doing to my dearest and most precious relationships. I do not want to be closed off and aloof to my daughters because i'm too caught up and obsessed with myself.

The next thing i'm attempting (again) is to stop weighing myself, and to stop the body checking (primarily studying myself, or certain areas of myself, in the mirror). I'm going to stop checking for the gap between my thighs, the degree that my belly sticks out, and the amount of cellulite under my butt. I'm also going to stop tracking my calories and macro's on MFP and try for a less stressed/obsessed approach to eating. At this point i'm still going to aim for 100g of protein, and a lower carb intake, but I think if I take out the tracking, then I will become more flexible with this and achieve a more balanced intake.

I am currently taking Ripped Freak 4x a week, as I would still like to lose body fat and achieve a more defined body, but as soon as the bottle is gone I will stop with that also. I don't even know if the stuff works, but I can definitely feel some thermogenic effect, so something must be happening. I can't say whether this "happening" is good or bad, but i'm not really interested in that answer right now.

The other thing i'm supposed to be working on is bringing my mind and body back together. Due to the experiences of abuse etc of my childhood I learnt to split these. I placed all of the unconscious feelings of shame, fear, hurt, bad, etc on to my body, and through the behaviours of the e.d. and other things, found a medium to manage them. I attacked my body in an attempt to attack/deal with these emotions. And now that i'm older, and no longer in such circumstances, I no longer need these coping strategies, so can let them go. It's not just as easy as recognising that this is what I've done and therefore i'm over it, these are long practiced behaviours and rehearsed thoughts, so I need to introduce a new 'mantra' and apply as much psychological 'force' to this in order for it to take effect. This actually gives me some much needed hope that things can change, that I can change the way I think, and therefore let go of such fear and anxiety, and perhaps experience a new state of being. Just imagine having thoughts of my body that are neutral and no longer tied to these emotions- it's impossible for me to imagine, but apparently it's a reality for a lot of people. My long term ambition may actually become a reality if I achieve this- the desire to work with e.d. clients in a very present way. I've held on to this dream for so long, but have also resigned myself to the fact that i'd never achieve it, due to not attaining the recovery and freedom from the disorder myself. I had long since come to the point where i'd not even share this aspiration with anybody, but have never been able to truly let it go.

August update

Wow, it's been a while (again). So what's been going on? Well I think I can safely say that i'm over the vertigo et al that I was struggling with, thank goodness. I gained weight, and consequently freaked out. I began a strength training program and established a new meal plan for myself. I want to add HIIT sessions to this as well, but 1) i'm unfit as heck now, and 2) can't find the time just yet. I am enjoying my weights sessions though, i'm doing heavy lifting 4 days a week, focusing on just one (sometimes two) body parts. I have been seeing strength gains at each workout and this is motivating me to keep going. I am not as of yet seeing any change in my body composition however, so am giving myself regular pep talks to continue with the plan for just 6 weeks and reassess things then. I was just going to use the mirror to judge this, but I weakened this morning and did hop on those blasted scales- two weeks and no shift, but not pulling out anything drastic just yet.

I am also in to the fourth week of my mindfulness-based cognitive therapy group course. I haven't formed a consensus on this yet, other than the home practice is time consuming and this distresses me as it takes me away from the exercise i'd otherwise be doing. I counter this at times with thoughts of the longer term benefits this may bring, so am persevering.

I also just finished a relatively good book- The Eating Disorder Sourcebook, by Carolyn Costin (the women who established Monte Nido). What I wouldn't give to go there right now and see if that wouldn't make the difference in my recovery. I'm just so tired of this fight- it remains ceaseless at whatever degree of progress I make. Why can't I just get over myself and accept that i'll never have the body that I deem acceptable for myself, with our without compulsion and obsession. I really wish I could let go of the focus of my size/shape/weight and concentrate on other areas of my life, things that could potentially make a difference in this world. Why do I remain so hooked in to this? Why does it continue to present itself as the main concern in my everyday living? And why is it so distressing to maintain a bmi over 18.4?? I did learn to manage my emotions over my size/weight at a higher bmi than this, but as soon as I hit 19.5 I cannot actually stand to be in my body, and this is not scale-led, but the way in which I view my physical self; I detest my body at this point, I look awful! So scale or no scale there is always a point I reach whereby I can no longer maintain a recovery effort and lapse in order to contain my emotions. This point has moved along the years, and it's the best it's ever been these past couple of years, but still there is a sticking point, a place I can not move beyond. What is it going to take to break through this?!

Full recovery

What if I actually decided to commit to a full recovery, including the attainment of my set point? How would I cope with this? At present I don't think it's at all possible, and I suspect my treatment team thinks the same, and that is why I do not receive the same treatment as everybody else. For example, I get away without weigh-in's, I don't have to follow a meal plan or even see the dietician, there are no protocols in place if I start to slip, everything is on me. And while this is kind of nice, at the same time, I feel like either I don't matter, or the prospect of ever recovering is limited, hence the lack of input. I assume that others presenting to this same service (with anorexia) are required to meet regularly with the dietician and adhere to the meal plan, have an expectation of continued weight gain, and reach their set point. So why am I different? Is it because i'm older, or have struggled for longer, or what? I guess i'm disappointed that there is no expectation upon me, for perhaps if there were i'd be able to stand up to it and achieve a greater degree of freedom than I currently know. I would actually like to return to the place where I no longer obsessed over calories, weight, etc, and actually live a full life. I've experienced this once for a brief period after a residential stint, and it was the best time of my life. It has only been within that residential context however where I have ever managed to reach my set point and maintain it until I was able to accept it. I fear I will never reach that point again. How do you do it? How do you just let go and get on with it? Is support vital or is personal advocacy enough? I'm convinced I do not have the tools to cope with this task alone, but I would like to learn. I would like to know how to manage distressing emotions, and I guess i'm about to start this with my mindfulness course i'm taking, but I don't yet have this knowledge or experience. In Mercy I had staff and my counsellor to turn to at these moments, somebody else whom could talk down the voice of the eating disorder and help with my perception and reality. And while I have therapists i'm working with now, they are not at my beckon call 24/7 as they were in that setting. I carry so much shame in still being caught up in this, it's such an adolescent illness and yet here I am at 36 years still struggling. How do I get out of this entanglement?

In the midst of struggle

I'm not doing particularly well right now, ever since I weighed myself and saw that my weight had dropped. I'm no longer over-joyed at this however, the reality of what it takes to restrict and keep it down (or less) has hit me, and it sucks away all life. Once again I find my thoughts near 100% devoted to eating and not eating, and my weight, leaving little room for anything or anyone else. I don't want this to be my life anymore, yet I find myself stuck here unable to make that first jump over the hurdle into regular eating again. I saw my therapist yesterday and she asked how can we help to get you back on track, I told her there wasn't anything she could do, that I just needed to make that choice and get on with it, kind of like feel the fear and do it anyway, and we left it at that. My next appointment is in 3 weeks so I have plenty of time to get back on track, or plenty of time to lose more weight. The latter is inviting but simultaneously will only make things more difficult for me to resume non-behavioured living, oh this is so ridiculous. I just need to fucking throw food down my throat. My mood however is also low at the moment, no doubt due to the many weeks of illness I've just had/continue to have. We still don't have a diagnosis, but are making headway in the process of elimination. Yesterday my GP put me on a beta blocker to prevent the migraines, it was the lesser of two evils, but i'm not particularly happy about it. It causes my bp and hr to drop, and leaves me with absolutely no energy. I was supposed to be back at work this week, and I managed Monday and Tuesday (with repercussions, but worked none-the-less), yesterday was my day off, and today I was meant to be back, but I woke up this morning and could not open my eyes. I don't know if that was the result of the beta blocker, or if it was another atypical migraine, or if my body is just so exhausted from all of this it still needs to rest. I called in sick anyway, and then went back to sleep until midday! At that point I could have rolled over and continued sleeping but decided i'd better get out of bed or i'd be awake all night and still exhausted come tomorrow morning. But coming back to my mood, it has definitely taken a downward turn, which makes the whole eating thing harder- it's like i'm lacking the motivation and am filled with lethargy. I'm not even committed to returning to hockey to complete the competitive season anymore. I hate depression, it's so damn debilitating. Anxiety I am far more comfortable with. So where to from here? I need loving support yet am not prepared or able to reach out to anybody irl, and the shame of this damn disorder is so great that it prevents me from doing so even if there was someone. If only I physically felt well enough to exercise, then i'm sure I could turn this around. Unfortunately that is not yet the case, so what does one do?

Re-centered

After a wee lapse whereby I consciously restricted my intake, and engaged in a bp session over the past few days, I have since considered my actions, and decided that I should have engaged my brain before the bp and employed the opposite action, which would have been one of self-care/self-soothing. I've also decided to find some positive quotes to help with my body image to write up on the blackboard on my wall, and on my bathroom mirror. It may sound trite but i'm prepared to give it a go. I also want to feed myself all the positivity I can, and try and recognise any negative messages I listen to and see if I can contradict them- or at very least, recognise them and let them pass. I am supposed to be starting a mindfulness course in 4 weeks time, so thought i'd try and get some practise in first, for i'm surely going to suck at 'experiencing/living the moment'. I think I am doing better at this, but it's never been a strong point of mine, and has typically been something I've run a mile from. Anything to do with feeling or experiencing and i'm done.

Lost

Very original title, for very original behaviour. I've lost some weight. It was not intentional, and by all accounts I actually thought I had gained, which is what led me to weigh myself in the first place. The loss can only be put down to the nausea of which I've been near-daily experiencing and a reduction in intake on those days, but, the effect of knowing I've lost is most detrimental to my recovery. I am ridiculously excited by it, having struggled through my once-current weight for months trying to accept it. And now that it's lower, i'm paranoid i'm just going to gain it back again, and feel as uncomfortable as I was then. I am now consciously choosing restriction and relishing in the sensation of hunger, because assuredly this will mean I can't be gaining. This is the one thing on my mind again, well not the only thing, but it is taking precedence, and rationally I know this is not good, but damned if I want to gain any, and really, if I were completely honest, i'd like to strive for the next lower weight just to ensure I wont get back up where I was. Or maybe i'm just over-analysing it all, and as soon as i'm well and able to start exercising again I can drop the obsession with the number and work at feeling fit and healthy- if that day ever fricken comes, for as things stand, i'm currently at consecutive day #4 of vertigo and still bed-ridden. My dad did pop around this morning however, so I got up for that, and tried as I might to appear normal, but there was no fooling anyone, so I ended up telling him the truth. Now he will take that back to my mother and she will call this evening and ask me what i'm going to do about all of this, suggest I quit work because I can't handle the stress, tell me i'll never be able to work a full time job, and leave me feeling the guilt and blame for whatever physical mess is happening to me of late, like I've caused it, like I choose it, just augh!

Physical vs Psychological

Well it has been a while since my last post, and not for lack of "recovering" but for lack of ability. I have been plagued with severe headaches, migraines, intense vertigo, daily nausea, colds/flus/infections, a seizure, high blood pressure, high resting heart rate, low iron etc, and no one knows why. This all started about 6 weeks ago, and since then I've pulled back from all exercise and have rested my body, mostly because my symptoms wouldn't allow me to do anything, but things have only continued to get worse, and symptoms intensify. I have spent days in hospital getting fluids, CT scans, special blood work done, and to no avail. We now have to go through the process of elimination and see if by removing anything from my life, my symptoms disappear. So the first thing we are trialling is my contraceptive pill, as that is the last thing that I went on. I will have to undergo a meds review with my psychiatrist, and see if they are causing any of these 'side effects', though I imagine this is highly doubtful as I've been on these meds for a while now. One thing they are considering is that perhaps I do not have enough serotonin floating around in my brain, but goodness knows, for all and any medications the side effects contradict each other. Regardless, I really would like to get to the bottom of it and have my life return to how it was. Obviously i'm going to have to slow down in some areas, perhaps even give up hockey at this level, but right now I don't even care about that. I've not done any form of exercise in the past 6 weeks and I really haven't felt overly anxious about it, firstly because I've been so exhausted, but also because due to the nausea I haven't been able to consume a whole lot. I have been ensuring that I do eat as much as I can though, I realised after a mere two days of minimal eating how all too easy it would be to lapse and ride these symptoms for all they were worth. In just those two days my thoughts started to sway in strength of the eating disorder, and I knew then that I could not afford for things to continue. My GP prescribed an anti-nausea medication, which I was reluctant to take at first, but once I did have it in my system it was amazing how much better in myself I started to feel again. I did have moments of anxiety whereby I thought 'omg i'm going to eat too much' and even stopped taking the meds for a couple of days to control [restrict] my intake again, then got some sense back and am regularly taking them again. Honestly, at this point however, I just want to be well. I want to be able to go back to work, I want to be able to not feel anxious when I go to bed each night for fear of what the morning will bring. I want to have the energy to live life again. I'm all but bed-bound at this point, if not due to the severity of my headaches or vertigo, then out of pure exhaustion of fighting this. And it is starting to weigh on me. I'm tired of it and at times almost ready to give up and accept that i'm a current cot-case and can do little more than sleep. I don't know if I actually have it in me to really give up and accept defeat, for I hate to be in such a vulnerable position, relying on other people to help out in areas that are my responsibility. I hate to ever be in this place of need, it makes me incredibly uncomfortable, and the sooner I get out of it the better. My parents have been useless in regard to helping out any, despite the fact that my father is retired and at home not doing anything. I call him to say that i'm being driven to ED as my current symptoms at that time were resembling a stroke, and could he come over and collect the girls from daycare. He tells me he's busy 'working on the boat'. Yes, because that is far more important. My mother then calls me the following day to see what is going on, and the only message she wants to impart is that 'there is never a dull moment in your life is there'. No doubt she believes this is all due to the fact that i'm again engaging in e.d. behaviours, and hence the lack of empathy or support, but this is just how she is, how she has always been. Even as a child, there was no care or concern if I was unwell, it was always an occasion to yell at me. Even at 15yrs when I turned up at ED with severe abdominal pain by myself, to be told I had appendicitis and needed surgery, this was met with fury and was told it was my fault and a result from all the running I was doing, like seriously women?! Anyway, same story, same response well in to adulthood, and i'm over it. Just don't fucking call me if you're going to be negative, I don't need to deal with that on top of everything else. But clearly it has upset me, and is something I will take to therapy tomorrow, as I don't know what to do with it, how to let it go, how to not allow it to continue to effect me. And that basically is the past 6 weeks in a nutshell- i'm physically battling conditions with no known cause, not knowing one day from the next what i'm going to be faced with, if i'll be well or bed-ridden. I do know each day that i'm still making progress in my journey toward recovery, that i'm not going to use this as an excuse to lose weight, or to allow the thoughts of negativity and futility to reign.

It starts with breakfast

I am having breakfast this morning for the first time this week, and in goodness knows how many weeks tbh- it's always the most difficult meal for me. I am still struggling with being unwell, now with vertigo, I swear i'll never catch a break! It came on suddenly (and intensely) last night at 10pm, I was laying in bed reading my kindle, on my side, not moving, and boom got side-blinded by the sudden onset of dizziness. If I had of been standing i'm sure i'd have fallen over. It worried me somewhat as nothing precipitated it, I was honestly just laying there, as still as stone. An hour later I got up to go the bathroom and had to hold on to the bed, then the wall, in order to get there without falling over. I do not know where all of this shit is coming from, and I've had enough! This will be the fourth week now and i'm ready to be up and adam, feeling as I was prior to all of this, physically at least. I do not, and will not call in sick again this coming week. Even if I can't walk straight I will get my dh to drive me to work so I can work. My youngest daughter now too has my cold, so I can see myself having to take a couple of days off work to care for her if it gets her down as it did me. Thankfully the vertigo is quite mild at the moment and I can sit here and update, for later i'm sure i'll be back in bed with my eyes closed unable to do anything more. My husband has just taken the girls outside for a walk to offer me some quiet time, which is thoughtful. He has been better of late in things such as this, which makes me want to be better and work harder for him/our marriage also. I had all but given up on it about a month ago.

So where are things at in regard to the eating disorder? Well I failed at my one-month free of weighing goal a couple of days ago, and hopped on the scales. The dumb thing about doing that, is I wanted to hop on them again the very next morning (I only weigh first thing in the morning on any given day, completely unclothed, and after having been to the bathroom). I resisted this however, but don't think I have it in me at this time to see out the rest of the month, so this goal may be moved over to July. I have managed to keep away from MFP though, and instead have been writing in a notebook the contents of my intake and the time of consumption. I will take this with me to my appointment this coming Wednesday and ask if the dietician can go over it, setting up an appointment to see her and discuss where to from here. Unfortunately it's a little restrictive and perhaps not a true indication of what i'd normally be eating, as my appetite hasn't been on game since I got sick, but then at the same time, I am being very conscious of what i'm eating, and there is a fair bit of negative self talk going on, and honest refusal of foods, and this may well be due to the fact that i'm not counting calories so am somewhat anxious about that, on top of not being able to exercise. So the eating disorder thoughts are still very much present, and in essence i'm acting on them, even if not to the severity of the past.

I worked out that i'm about 20 months in to this recovery attempt now, and two years since my last hospital admission. I have had my slips and lapses along the way, but generally I've done the best ever outside of a supported environment such as IP or Residential. I put this down to attempting to do this in a manner which is slow enough for me to maintain, feeling like i'm controlling the tempo and overall process. As cliché as it is, it has been that 2-steps forward 3-steps back, 3-steps forward 1-step back that has brought me to where i'm at now. There were often times when I couldn't see the progress but taking a moment here and now I can view glimpses of momentum and success. I'm definitely not out of the woods so to speak, and have many a mountain yet to climb, but it's encouraging to see that it's not all for nothing. If only it didn't take so long LOL.

Nobody can look after me as well as I can myself

I have taken another day off work today to rest my body, and hopefully hasten the recovery process for this cold or whatever it is that I have. I decided that feeling guilty about not being at work was not a valid reason to ignore my body's needs. I decided that I didn't care whether or not people would start to talk about how many sick days I've had off in recent weeks, or if anybody thought I was milking my symptoms. It is my body and I have to live in it, and if I don't take adequate care of it, it's me who continues to suffer and not anybody else. This is my first stand of assertiveness and it's not as scary as imagined! This is my life after all and i'm the one whom has to live with my successes and regrets, so it's about time I started living it in a way that is congruent to my wants and values- I want to be well and i'm learning to value health. Yet in saying that, I still struggle immensely to take any supplements that may make my health more optimal, the likes of iron pills, omega 3, etc. I don't know why this is such a difficulty for me, but it always has been. I know there are no calories in the supplements, and i'm happy enough to take anti depressants and anti biotics, anything that will have me feeling better in that regard, so it make little sense, in fact, it's ridiculous! I know that taking these prescribed iron pills will make me feel better, they will give me an added source of energy, perhaps lifting the current lethargy, however, I cannot bring myself to start them yet. It's like I want to see how low I can go, how far I can push my body before I really do need to address it- it's lunacy and it's frustrating. But enough about that. I am actually starting to feel better today I think. I was awake half the night coughing, but perhaps I should be thankful as it appears to have been highly productive. This is also the first day all week that I've had an appetite and managed to eat something before noon, so a further good sign. I am a little anxious now about my appetite returning in a vengeance but I will attempt to manage that as best I can. In one sense i'm grateful that I resisted the urge to weigh myself yesterday, as I have no new lower number to feel miserable about surpassing with the return of normal and regular eating, but on the other hand i'm desperate to know what my current weight is. Not that it's even relevant, or a matter in the big picture, I mean who cares if I lost a kilo, nobody but me can even notice that, it's just unfortunate that the 'reward' I feel for such thing is so elevated and reinforcing- the very reason I need to remain off the scales!

Amongst other thoughts, i'm contemplating starting the 'New Rules of Lifting for Women' complete with meal plan. I've had the book for over a year now, and I did attempt to start the weight training aspect some time ago, but somewhere along the way I stopped. I have now printed off the first and second stages of the program and will start when I am feeling better. I will re-read the nutrition chapter and then see if I can implement that as well. I have decided that I will see the hockey season out but see if I can treat it as it's intended, just a game, just something else I do, and not something that defines me as a good or bad person, with all the stress that this causes me. It will still interfere with the time I have to spend together as a family, but perhaps my husband can join me with the girls every other week and come and watch, and we can all do something together afterwards, even if it's just something as simple as going to the lake, or getting dinner. We just have to make it work.

I am starting to feel the pressure of my mother to drop a second day at work in order to work more for her again, and I don't know what to do about this. I enjoy my job, well both jobs really, but I don't want to go making changes to my schedule at this stage, not when things are only just starting to settle somewhat at work. I'll give it another couple of months and then see where things are at. Perhaps when Olivia starts school it would be a good time to drop down to three days? I have to decide what it is I even want to be doing- what field I want to be working in.. early childhood or tourism? psychology or occupational therapy? Right now is not the time for me to consider this however, I will come to that when I feel I am an solid footing and a secure foundation laid for the future. I do feel that I am moving in the right direction though, so this too is positive.

So far so good

We are only a few days in to my month-free weighing and MFP, but things are going okay. I say okay because I appear to be restricting my intake anyway. I don't know whether this is by choice or if because i'm just not that hungry with how unwell I am. I guess I could adhere to regular eating despite how I feel physically, but I do actually enjoy moments of being able to consume less. This of course has me want to weigh myself to see if it's come to anything, but i'm holding back. I haven't been able to resume any form of exercise yet, i'm struggling to make it through a regular day of work, which is somewhat physical, but even today, my day off, i'm so tired I could have slept for a good portion of it (instead I had a hair appointment, and bloods to be redrawn, and am making dinner so by the time I come home from a late afternoon meeting my husband could've fed our children [and himself]). I am seriously considering taking the rest of the week off as well, I just want to feel better already, and I know the more I push myself, the longer I will take to get over this. I just feel so guilty not being there, as it's a real team environment. But really, my health, and my children's health, should come first. It would also keep me out of public eye which would make me feel better, as my skin has broken out and I feel so hideously UGLY! Add a break out to an already pale and unwell looking face and it's just a disaster :(

A whole week has passed..

It's been a week since I last wrote in here, but that does not in any way mean I haven't been considering my current position and where-to from here, in fact, it's been a busy week in that regard, and I've come up with the beginnings of a plan. After re-reading some recovery stuff I've decided that I really do need to give up my scale (or at least weighing) in order to reduce the focus of food and weight and consequently e.d. behaviours. I don't know how i'm going to go, but I see this literally as the only thing left I can try in order to bring about some change. I'm going to weigh myself for one last time tomorrow morning and then aim for one month scale free! I think it's a realistic goal, it wont be easy, but it should be enough time to see if there is a shift in my thinking. I have tried to remove all the mirrors that I can, as I know this will increase the likelihood of other body-checking behaviours, and am going to give it a real shot. I haven't decided what i'm going to do about my food or exercise yet, a part of me wants to move back in to the carrot and lettuce stage, another part of me wants to just enter the purge everything stage, while another part of me wants to try a protein shake in place of a real meal. In regard to exercise, I want to give up hockey, thus removing the need to perform (and therefore fuel myself adequately). I would be quite happy to embark on a weight lifting programme and continue running, while maintaining my one evening of squash. I just feel so guilty bailing out on the team at this stage in the season :(  It has been so nice having the last four weekends at home spending time with my family- they really miss out when i'm playing as it's such a large commitment with trainings and travelling.

I ended up going to my GP last week and going back on buspar. I'm on the same dose and am just going to deal with it for now. I also saw Lynne my psychologist from the e.d. specialist service. Nothing miraculous came out of that session, I just told her I had stopped restricting, purging, and exercising for the past two weeks (it's three now), and we talked about what it was that was able to pull me out of the lapse. I basically just told her that I can't afford to be dragged back in to the disorder and end up medically compromised and in hospital again, only to be forced to eat and gain the weight back again- it's just a cycle I've engaged in for far too long. And what have I gained from this cycle? Absolutely nothing. It has not fixed a thing, only occupied years and years of my life. I don't even want to go into what it has taken from me or potentially destroyed.

So from here i'm going to try something new. I'm going to stop weighing, but will probably keep with MFP at this stage, just so I have some concrete evidence at the end of this all. I could just keep my own log, which in fact may be more useful, as it could give the time of consumption, which MFP does not allow for. And by this I could also be reducing my focus on calories and macro nutrients as well. Okay, i'll run with this. And at the end of the month (so beginning of July) I will assess how things have gone, and if necessary, can then get an appointment with the dietician for further input. Ahhh the anxiety!! LOL. My next appointment is on the 10th so I can share this goal then, talk about how i'm finding it, and hopefully be encouraged to keep at it for the remainder of the month.

I shall let you know how I fare.

Sundays' end

Here we have ourselves, nearly 8.00pm, both girls are in bed, and my first moment to myself all day. I do realise that i'm a selfish person, please don't be bothered by this, I just really didn't think through the implications this would have on my life as I brought children in to the mix. Anyway, it's been a rather awful day mood-wise for me. I've been as irritable as shit, and raging at my dear children far too frequently. This in turn has me feel terrible yet it's too late to do anything about it, as it's out and left my mouth already. And it's not just what I say, but the manner in which I deliver it, i'm fucking angry, and it's such an inappropriate degree of emotion, and it drives me up the wall. This is the very reason I went on medication, and shit me, I think it actually worked, despite me thinking it wasn't doing jack. I've been off the Buspar for four whole weeks now, and boom, irritability, sleeplessness, rage- all different manifestations of the same thing #ANXIETY. I know I really don't have a choice as to where I go from here, basically it would be in everybody's best interest if I resumed with the prescription, but I was on the highest dose, taking 4 pills 3x a day- that wore me down after time, and I started missing doses here and there, and that's when I thought "oh hey, i'm hardly taking them anyway, they mustn't be working" and so stopped taking them altogether. There is an alternative though isn't there. I could try to 'manage' my anxiety, and this would be all fine and dandy if I knew when it was about to hit, but it just like blindsides me and rarh i'm yelling and physically restraining myself from doing anything stupid, so perhaps i'm not quite at that stage yet, trying to manage these multiple episodes? But oh the shame in returning to my GP for a script renewal. She wont even blink if I ask her, it's more of the internal dialogue I feed myself in regard to how inept I am at being a stable functioning human being that is worse, but it's all part of the same process. For my children's sake however, I will put myself through whatever I have to, to ensure they have the best foundation for a "successful" life that I can offer them. One filled with unconditional love, warmth, acceptance, appreciation, communication, availability both physically and emotionally, positivity, nurture, and physical contact. It is definitely not an easy task being a mother, the toughest role one can ever elevate themselves to. All I can hope is that I do not fuck up too much with my daughters and they grow into caring, and generous girls whom know they are loved and love in return.

On another note, the e.d. front- I weighed myself. Not smart, nor stupid, just is. My weight is the same as it has been, as in I gained back the kilo or so I lost while running too much and eating too little, so i'm right back where I started nearly a month ago. Ha, what a fucking waste of time all of that was. Two weeks of beating myself into submission and denying myself, followed by a week of exhaustion whereby I couldn't bring myself to even think about jumping on the treadmill or going to any hockey trainings, though eating as though food was the only activity/exercise/past time worthy of my attention, followed by a further week of physical ailments and further eating though in a more modified manner. So I find myself right back where I started, with the same dislikes, the same goals, but perhaps i'll need to come up with a new mode of achieving them. I do not have time for anymore futile cycles, I have done my years with that, so anyone with any legitimately worthy advice for stripping bodyfat and achieving some hot shapely legs, i'm open to suggestion!!

Childrens' Parties and more Childrens' Parties

Today is the weekend for parties for my dear 4 year old. She had three of her preschool friends turn 5yrs this week, and all have their parties at the same time. We managed to squeeze in two today (with mama missing out on her hockey game), with another one still to come tomorrow. It's so interesting to stand back and witness what happens at these events, as there are notable differences between the children themselves and the adults. The children are typically very excited to be moving on in their venture towards school, while the parents are left pining their 'baby' whom is growing up so fast, starting school already. I wonder if this is considered a loss for some, and for those people, a process of grief must be traversed. Anyway, what I really came to write about this evening is that I've come up with a plan! Starting today I have begun recording emotions that I recognise throughout my day, I then rate them using a 1-5 scale for intensity, and briefly state what happened. I am going to do this for the next three weeks, then when I see Veronika next submit this to her, discuss any patterns that may have emerged, or if there were better coping strategies I could have used to diffuse the situation etc. I'm feeling pretty good about this, as it means i'm actively doing something, and can have documented evidence of change over time.

After my purchases at Lush the other day, I've also started to indulge myself just a little. I really like how clean my facial block is leaving my skin, and am particularly in love with the massage body bar, it smells divine and is heavenly when applying, requiring the time to give yourself a quick wee massage. So this has become a time of self-soothing/self-nurturing for me.

I also managed to cook up a few chicken breasts this evening to freeze in portions for my lunches over the next week. Tomorrow I will bake the sweet potato, or cook up the brown rice which i'll add to the meal, and walah, lunch meals are taken care of. I'll throw in some lettuce leaves and tomato to give it a bit more colour (it's not going to add to it nutritionally or anything), and perhaps I will have it with a cup-of-soup or something given the unfortunate season of Winter is now upon us #cry.

Eugh! I just lost half of my post, and am too frustrated to re-write it now, so am going to call it a night and go and engage in some distress tolerance skills to calm me down (only half joking) xx.

Wednesday- before and after

Wednesdays are my scheduled day off, which are typically occupied by appointments of differing natures. This Wednesday I was due to see my trauma therapist. I went shopping for a couple of hours before hand and felt great! Bought some new products at Lush to try (for myself!), spent some money on the girls at Smiggle, and a large wall planner at Kikki-K to position right in front of my treadmill. I went in to my session feeling pretty good after the crisis i'd had over the previous week or so, rested, recovered, and ready to go back to work and carry on. For the most part my time spent in session was fine, nothing overly triggering, more of just a catch-up session filling Veronika in on what had transpired over the last couple of weeks since last seeing her- how I went from distressed crisis mode, to dissociated shut down mode, to making some firm commitments in regard to e.d. behaviours again, taking a couple of days off work to regroup mentally before really crashing and burning. And all went well. But the moment I walked out the door I was confronted with immense sadness, tears, and a general overwhelming mass of emotion. I panicked, as I do when having to experience or contend with any emotion, called my husband and asked if he could pick the girls up from daycare as I was unable to, and then text him telling him I wasn't coping and needed some time to process whatever it was that was going on (insight is not my forte), but that I was going home. He text back and said okay, but we needed to talk about all of this tonight. The mere thought of having to articulate anything, and particularly with my husband, of whom I do not communicate with in regard to any of my "mental health" issues had me near retching. On the one hand I wanted to take this "opportunity" where my emotions were right here on the surface and therefore reachable to start the process of working through them/enduring them/discovering what was at the root of them, and then dealing with that, but fear and anxiety cripple this ability within me, and have me run from them time and time again, hence why I continue to return to the same damn dysfunctional and maladaptive coping strategies year after year. I desperately wanted this time to be different- here was my opportunity to move beyond this static place I find myself and progress. Yet, I failed. I got home, I busied myself, the girls arrived home, family life continued, dinner, bath, bed.. and then bed and my kindle for me to escape the horrors of the last couple of hours. My husband tried to talk about what was going on, I was unable to give him any answers, everything was numb and unavailable. He left me to go do a workout, of which I was grateful.

Thursday morning rolls around, and i'm ready to go back to work and get on with life. Come 2pm and my vision starts to roll with holographic images, I can't focus on any single one thing, I get all hot and flushed and start sweating, and feel like i'm about to burst into tears as if in shock. This lasts about 20mins at which time a headache and nausea take it's place- welcome to a migraine. I walk through to the office and am greeted with comments on how pale/green/awful/unwell I look, and admit that I don't feel well. I push through until 4pm and then relent and say I need to go home. I have co-workers offering to drive me, but feel guilty for their concern and do not want to put anybody out. I come home, arrange for my inlaws to collect the girls from daycare, and go straight to bed, and sleep for 2 hours. I felt better (and hungry) upon waking, so go downstairs and join in with family happenings. I put my youngest to bed and go back to bed myself, leaving my husband to deal with my 4yr old for the remainder of the evening.

And here I find myself, Friday morning, my inlaws have taken the girls back to daycare, and i'm having another day at home, resting, and trying to recover from whatever I have going on at the moment. My therapist suggests I start reading some books on trauma and what people have done to overcome their pasts, but upon searching Amazon there were none that really stood out for me and took my interest. She wants me to start desensitizing to things, by reading about them, talking about them, blah blah, but what really is there to say? I'm so detached from everything that took place in my childhood, and have built such tremendous walls around everything that accessing that 'little girl' is near-impossible. I say near, as there have been moments where I've been able to trust in somebody enough to feel the appropriate things and make headway in this area, but that was 9 years ago while in residential treatment, and probably not until 9 months into my stay! I finally came to a place where I felt safe on all accounts- physically, psychologically, and emotionally, and could afford a little vulnerability and authenticity. I experienced perhaps for the first time what it meant to feel unconditional love and acceptance.

Now I read today that as an adult you can offer this to yourself, that you need no longer be that child looking and longing for somebody else to fill this role for you. I need to read more, for as things stand, I am not convinced that this is the case. It is an interesting view point, and one in which I will research in depth, for if it indeed can support its' claim then maybe the end of my recovery journey is nearer than currently perceived. I shall keep you informed.

Another beginning

I need to recommit to recovery- no more pseudo recovery which appears lovely on the surface, but an authentic recovery which provokes movement. As things stand, I've been stagnant for too long. I continue to hold on to behaviours, even in their mildest forms, for fear of what would happen if I truly decided to embrace freedom. Yes I still have my hang-ups over weight, shape, and size, but in the past 18 months I have proven to myself that I can actually survive (emotionally, psychologically, and physically) at this higher weight. And while there are still days whereby it's all very distressing and I long for nothing more than to lose it all again, they do pass, and life carries on generally in an amiable way.

I took photographs of myself today, full length ones clothed only in my underwear. The results I found most upsetting. And of course I would, so why did I do it? I don't know- perhaps I thought I may have pleasantly surprised myself, perhaps i'd assumed the three weeks of over-training i'd just done would've had an impact on my composition, or perhaps I was looking to demean myself in such a manner to spark some motivation to run and starve again? One would think after having done that, that this would be enough trauma to put oneself through in a day, but apparently I wasn't finished yet. I then weighed myself, and then calculated my bmi. I was such a mess at the end of this process I thought i'd b/p to relieve some of the anxiety. Given it was now lunchtime I started with soup and a croissant, and then I heard the whisper of truth or reality or whatever you want to call it, and let the urge pass. It did, but the guilt remains over the croissant (this does not fit with my 'clean' eating standard), but i'm getting there.

Tomorrow I see my therapist. It's been three weeks since my last appointment and much has happened. Not so much in my physical world, but emotionally and psychologically. I wont be able to articulate all that has come and gone in that time, I can only hope to remember the more prominent parts of it and bring those to light, but even then i'll be lucky to present anything. I just do not remember things. However, in this case, I do remember how awful I've felt, how stressed and overwhelmed I've been, and my desire to run away and isolate from the world and everything/everyone in it.  It really is quite unfortunate for me in these times that I have two little girls whom require their mommy. If not for them I doubt my commitment to change and recovery. This has been over a 20 year battle for me, so I don't expect miracles to happen, but for the sake of their lives I do hope for greater degrees of freedom than what i'm currently experiencing, and not just in regard to e.d. behaviours and body image, but in joy, expression, relationships etc. I'm working towards the bigger picture.