Taking those first steps

I am doing well with my goals! I have been able to not weigh myself, I was able to talk to my husband about removing the scales from our bathroom, and this has been done. I have been able to walk away from body checking in the mirror when I catch myself, have refrained from tracking my intake on MFP, and have given less thought to my protein and carbohydrate ratio.

On top of this I have neither exercised all week due to my children being sick and requiring attention, or of the past few days, of me being sick again with a head cold and chest infection. Yesterday (being Sunday) I was so utterly exhausted, that despite having a friend come and stay for the weekend from Auckland, I took myself off to bed for a sleep, leaving her to look after my children! I am so grateful that I have such friends who understand what it's like to need sleep even at what seemingly appears an inappropriate time of the day. I am home from work today also, not for myself, though I definitely shouldn't be there anyway, but would've been, but because my 4yr old daughter still had a temperature of 39 degrees (celcius) last night [normal being 37 degrees]. I text my boss last night, to give her as much notice as possible, and while I know we are short staffed this month, I cannot let that determine my behaviour. She herself has known for months what this month will bring, so she can sort out her staffing issues without me feeling guilty about not being able to go in, when I have both sick children, and am sick myself.

But going back to the e.d. now, and how i'm faring with my goals, this may very well be the first time I've actually actioned recovery by myself. I have positioned myself in places/environments of recovery before, wanting recovery to be the outcome, but was still not able to take responsibility for it, and needed other people to do it for me. Behaviours had changed in the past for variable amounts of time, but always because I was seeking something else, and not recovery itself. For example, I chose to adhere to the rules whilst in residential treatment not because I thought of them bringing me to recovery, but because I didn't want to be kicked out. I changed my behaviours willingly once I was told my liver was failing and I wanted to conceive, but right after my labs returned to normal, and I hadn't conceived within the first few months, I relapsed right back to what i'd always done. This time is different. This time i'm actually taking what I know to keep me trapped in these behaviours, and challenging them. I'm perhaps for the first time really exposing myself and addressing my fears, and insecurities. And does it feel good? Well, actually, no, it does not feel good. I am petrified beyond belief. I feel vulnerable and childlike, I need reassurance and comforting. I feel like crying for a great portion of the time, and don't understand this. Scared, scared, scared, is how I feel, and it is not nice.