I feel pudgy. My body is all squishy and 'too much'. How do I conquer these thoughts/feelings? I can't even counter it with "my body is strong" because right now it is not- i'm sick with a head cold and chest infection, and i'm lacking in energy. I'm home with both girls today but am struggling with patience over their behaviour and squabbles, it is difficult being a mama when one is sick, and struggling with her own issues.
I just want to feel better than this. I no longer want to have these thoughts and feelings surrounding my body. I would like a healthy dis-interest in it, where I give it little thought, time, or attention. Whereby my life is bigger than this.
How do other people do it? How do people recover?
I feel sad- on the verge of tears. I don't know what is underpinning this, I don't really have the space to discover this. I am going to try and practice acknowledgement and acceptance of this emotion. I am going to simply sit with this feeling and watch it dissipate of it's own accord. I am trying to choose not to become attached to this emotion, to now call myself 'depressed', but to realise everybody universally experiences sadness, and it will pass.
Monday, 31 August 2015
Sunday, 30 August 2015
Taking those first steps
I am doing well with my goals! I have been able to not weigh myself, I was able to talk to my husband about removing the scales from our bathroom, and this has been done. I have been able to walk away from body checking in the mirror when I catch myself, have refrained from tracking my intake on MFP, and have given less thought to my protein and carbohydrate ratio.
On top of this I have neither exercised all week due to my children being sick and requiring attention, or of the past few days, of me being sick again with a head cold and chest infection. Yesterday (being Sunday) I was so utterly exhausted, that despite having a friend come and stay for the weekend from Auckland, I took myself off to bed for a sleep, leaving her to look after my children! I am so grateful that I have such friends who understand what it's like to need sleep even at what seemingly appears an inappropriate time of the day. I am home from work today also, not for myself, though I definitely shouldn't be there anyway, but would've been, but because my 4yr old daughter still had a temperature of 39 degrees (celcius) last night [normal being 37 degrees]. I text my boss last night, to give her as much notice as possible, and while I know we are short staffed this month, I cannot let that determine my behaviour. She herself has known for months what this month will bring, so she can sort out her staffing issues without me feeling guilty about not being able to go in, when I have both sick children, and am sick myself.
But going back to the e.d. now, and how i'm faring with my goals, this may very well be the first time I've actually actioned recovery by myself. I have positioned myself in places/environments of recovery before, wanting recovery to be the outcome, but was still not able to take responsibility for it, and needed other people to do it for me. Behaviours had changed in the past for variable amounts of time, but always because I was seeking something else, and not recovery itself. For example, I chose to adhere to the rules whilst in residential treatment not because I thought of them bringing me to recovery, but because I didn't want to be kicked out. I changed my behaviours willingly once I was told my liver was failing and I wanted to conceive, but right after my labs returned to normal, and I hadn't conceived within the first few months, I relapsed right back to what i'd always done. This time is different. This time i'm actually taking what I know to keep me trapped in these behaviours, and challenging them. I'm perhaps for the first time really exposing myself and addressing my fears, and insecurities. And does it feel good? Well, actually, no, it does not feel good. I am petrified beyond belief. I feel vulnerable and childlike, I need reassurance and comforting. I feel like crying for a great portion of the time, and don't understand this. Scared, scared, scared, is how I feel, and it is not nice.
On top of this I have neither exercised all week due to my children being sick and requiring attention, or of the past few days, of me being sick again with a head cold and chest infection. Yesterday (being Sunday) I was so utterly exhausted, that despite having a friend come and stay for the weekend from Auckland, I took myself off to bed for a sleep, leaving her to look after my children! I am so grateful that I have such friends who understand what it's like to need sleep even at what seemingly appears an inappropriate time of the day. I am home from work today also, not for myself, though I definitely shouldn't be there anyway, but would've been, but because my 4yr old daughter still had a temperature of 39 degrees (celcius) last night [normal being 37 degrees]. I text my boss last night, to give her as much notice as possible, and while I know we are short staffed this month, I cannot let that determine my behaviour. She herself has known for months what this month will bring, so she can sort out her staffing issues without me feeling guilty about not being able to go in, when I have both sick children, and am sick myself.
But going back to the e.d. now, and how i'm faring with my goals, this may very well be the first time I've actually actioned recovery by myself. I have positioned myself in places/environments of recovery before, wanting recovery to be the outcome, but was still not able to take responsibility for it, and needed other people to do it for me. Behaviours had changed in the past for variable amounts of time, but always because I was seeking something else, and not recovery itself. For example, I chose to adhere to the rules whilst in residential treatment not because I thought of them bringing me to recovery, but because I didn't want to be kicked out. I changed my behaviours willingly once I was told my liver was failing and I wanted to conceive, but right after my labs returned to normal, and I hadn't conceived within the first few months, I relapsed right back to what i'd always done. This time is different. This time i'm actually taking what I know to keep me trapped in these behaviours, and challenging them. I'm perhaps for the first time really exposing myself and addressing my fears, and insecurities. And does it feel good? Well, actually, no, it does not feel good. I am petrified beyond belief. I feel vulnerable and childlike, I need reassurance and comforting. I feel like crying for a great portion of the time, and don't understand this. Scared, scared, scared, is how I feel, and it is not nice.
Wednesday, 26 August 2015
The practice of radical acceptance (or something like that)
Today I have decided to actively engage in radical acceptance of my body. To view it as the shell of who I am and nothing more. For too long I think I have identified my self through my appearance and nothing else. I have not been able to accept any aspect of myself for my body never measured up, and this is whom I believed myself to be. I am trying to remind myself that I do not base my friendships or judgements of people on their appearance, that is not the 'them' that I see, but what is beneath that. I am hoping/guessing that this is the same for the majority and in this way can assume that others are not judging or engaging with me based on my appearance. This may or may not help free me from my own judgemental attitude but it's one argument I can try and counter my automatic thoughts with. I am also going to start practice thought stopping whenever a thought based on my size, weight, shape, or appearance arises. For not only is this now solely weight-focused but is also starting to include facial lines and other imperfections. I followed through with a breast augmentation earlier this year, and am investigating botox currently. I figure that if I continue along this track of not accepting my appearance, continually fighting the battle of aging etc i'm going to be one mighty miserable granny, and i'd have wasted my whole life on this issue. Not only that, but these such behaviours place a distance between those closest to me, as I hide what i'm doing, I cover my insecurities, shut down my vulnerabilities and 'human-ness'. This includes my husband and my girls, and this is not what I want to be doing to my dearest and most precious relationships. I do not want to be closed off and aloof to my daughters because i'm too caught up and obsessed with myself.
The next thing i'm attempting (again) is to stop weighing myself, and to stop the body checking (primarily studying myself, or certain areas of myself, in the mirror). I'm going to stop checking for the gap between my thighs, the degree that my belly sticks out, and the amount of cellulite under my butt. I'm also going to stop tracking my calories and macro's on MFP and try for a less stressed/obsessed approach to eating. At this point i'm still going to aim for 100g of protein, and a lower carb intake, but I think if I take out the tracking, then I will become more flexible with this and achieve a more balanced intake.
I am currently taking Ripped Freak 4x a week, as I would still like to lose body fat and achieve a more defined body, but as soon as the bottle is gone I will stop with that also. I don't even know if the stuff works, but I can definitely feel some thermogenic effect, so something must be happening. I can't say whether this "happening" is good or bad, but i'm not really interested in that answer right now.
The other thing i'm supposed to be working on is bringing my mind and body back together. Due to the experiences of abuse etc of my childhood I learnt to split these. I placed all of the unconscious feelings of shame, fear, hurt, bad, etc on to my body, and through the behaviours of the e.d. and other things, found a medium to manage them. I attacked my body in an attempt to attack/deal with these emotions. And now that i'm older, and no longer in such circumstances, I no longer need these coping strategies, so can let them go. It's not just as easy as recognising that this is what I've done and therefore i'm over it, these are long practiced behaviours and rehearsed thoughts, so I need to introduce a new 'mantra' and apply as much psychological 'force' to this in order for it to take effect. This actually gives me some much needed hope that things can change, that I can change the way I think, and therefore let go of such fear and anxiety, and perhaps experience a new state of being. Just imagine having thoughts of my body that are neutral and no longer tied to these emotions- it's impossible for me to imagine, but apparently it's a reality for a lot of people. My long term ambition may actually become a reality if I achieve this- the desire to work with e.d. clients in a very present way. I've held on to this dream for so long, but have also resigned myself to the fact that i'd never achieve it, due to not attaining the recovery and freedom from the disorder myself. I had long since come to the point where i'd not even share this aspiration with anybody, but have never been able to truly let it go.
The next thing i'm attempting (again) is to stop weighing myself, and to stop the body checking (primarily studying myself, or certain areas of myself, in the mirror). I'm going to stop checking for the gap between my thighs, the degree that my belly sticks out, and the amount of cellulite under my butt. I'm also going to stop tracking my calories and macro's on MFP and try for a less stressed/obsessed approach to eating. At this point i'm still going to aim for 100g of protein, and a lower carb intake, but I think if I take out the tracking, then I will become more flexible with this and achieve a more balanced intake.
I am currently taking Ripped Freak 4x a week, as I would still like to lose body fat and achieve a more defined body, but as soon as the bottle is gone I will stop with that also. I don't even know if the stuff works, but I can definitely feel some thermogenic effect, so something must be happening. I can't say whether this "happening" is good or bad, but i'm not really interested in that answer right now.
The other thing i'm supposed to be working on is bringing my mind and body back together. Due to the experiences of abuse etc of my childhood I learnt to split these. I placed all of the unconscious feelings of shame, fear, hurt, bad, etc on to my body, and through the behaviours of the e.d. and other things, found a medium to manage them. I attacked my body in an attempt to attack/deal with these emotions. And now that i'm older, and no longer in such circumstances, I no longer need these coping strategies, so can let them go. It's not just as easy as recognising that this is what I've done and therefore i'm over it, these are long practiced behaviours and rehearsed thoughts, so I need to introduce a new 'mantra' and apply as much psychological 'force' to this in order for it to take effect. This actually gives me some much needed hope that things can change, that I can change the way I think, and therefore let go of such fear and anxiety, and perhaps experience a new state of being. Just imagine having thoughts of my body that are neutral and no longer tied to these emotions- it's impossible for me to imagine, but apparently it's a reality for a lot of people. My long term ambition may actually become a reality if I achieve this- the desire to work with e.d. clients in a very present way. I've held on to this dream for so long, but have also resigned myself to the fact that i'd never achieve it, due to not attaining the recovery and freedom from the disorder myself. I had long since come to the point where i'd not even share this aspiration with anybody, but have never been able to truly let it go.
Tuesday, 18 August 2015
August update
Wow, it's been a while (again). So what's been going on? Well I think I can safely say that i'm over the vertigo et al that I was struggling with, thank goodness. I gained weight, and consequently freaked out. I began a strength training program and established a new meal plan for myself. I want to add HIIT sessions to this as well, but 1) i'm unfit as heck now, and 2) can't find the time just yet. I am enjoying my weights sessions though, i'm doing heavy lifting 4 days a week, focusing on just one (sometimes two) body parts. I have been seeing strength gains at each workout and this is motivating me to keep going. I am not as of yet seeing any change in my body composition however, so am giving myself regular pep talks to continue with the plan for just 6 weeks and reassess things then. I was just going to use the mirror to judge this, but I weakened this morning and did hop on those blasted scales- two weeks and no shift, but not pulling out anything drastic just yet.
I am also in to the fourth week of my mindfulness-based cognitive therapy group course. I haven't formed a consensus on this yet, other than the home practice is time consuming and this distresses me as it takes me away from the exercise i'd otherwise be doing. I counter this at times with thoughts of the longer term benefits this may bring, so am persevering.
I also just finished a relatively good book- The Eating Disorder Sourcebook, by Carolyn Costin (the women who established Monte Nido). What I wouldn't give to go there right now and see if that wouldn't make the difference in my recovery. I'm just so tired of this fight- it remains ceaseless at whatever degree of progress I make. Why can't I just get over myself and accept that i'll never have the body that I deem acceptable for myself, with our without compulsion and obsession. I really wish I could let go of the focus of my size/shape/weight and concentrate on other areas of my life, things that could potentially make a difference in this world. Why do I remain so hooked in to this? Why does it continue to present itself as the main concern in my everyday living? And why is it so distressing to maintain a bmi over 18.4?? I did learn to manage my emotions over my size/weight at a higher bmi than this, but as soon as I hit 19.5 I cannot actually stand to be in my body, and this is not scale-led, but the way in which I view my physical self; I detest my body at this point, I look awful! So scale or no scale there is always a point I reach whereby I can no longer maintain a recovery effort and lapse in order to contain my emotions. This point has moved along the years, and it's the best it's ever been these past couple of years, but still there is a sticking point, a place I can not move beyond. What is it going to take to break through this?!
I am also in to the fourth week of my mindfulness-based cognitive therapy group course. I haven't formed a consensus on this yet, other than the home practice is time consuming and this distresses me as it takes me away from the exercise i'd otherwise be doing. I counter this at times with thoughts of the longer term benefits this may bring, so am persevering.
I also just finished a relatively good book- The Eating Disorder Sourcebook, by Carolyn Costin (the women who established Monte Nido). What I wouldn't give to go there right now and see if that wouldn't make the difference in my recovery. I'm just so tired of this fight- it remains ceaseless at whatever degree of progress I make. Why can't I just get over myself and accept that i'll never have the body that I deem acceptable for myself, with our without compulsion and obsession. I really wish I could let go of the focus of my size/shape/weight and concentrate on other areas of my life, things that could potentially make a difference in this world. Why do I remain so hooked in to this? Why does it continue to present itself as the main concern in my everyday living? And why is it so distressing to maintain a bmi over 18.4?? I did learn to manage my emotions over my size/weight at a higher bmi than this, but as soon as I hit 19.5 I cannot actually stand to be in my body, and this is not scale-led, but the way in which I view my physical self; I detest my body at this point, I look awful! So scale or no scale there is always a point I reach whereby I can no longer maintain a recovery effort and lapse in order to contain my emotions. This point has moved along the years, and it's the best it's ever been these past couple of years, but still there is a sticking point, a place I can not move beyond. What is it going to take to break through this?!
Thursday, 9 July 2015
Full recovery
What if I actually decided to commit to a full recovery, including the attainment of my set point? How would I cope with this? At present I don't think it's at all possible, and I suspect my treatment team thinks the same, and that is why I do not receive the same treatment as everybody else. For example, I get away without weigh-in's, I don't have to follow a meal plan or even see the dietician, there are no protocols in place if I start to slip, everything is on me. And while this is kind of nice, at the same time, I feel like either I don't matter, or the prospect of ever recovering is limited, hence the lack of input. I assume that others presenting to this same service (with anorexia) are required to meet regularly with the dietician and adhere to the meal plan, have an expectation of continued weight gain, and reach their set point. So why am I different? Is it because i'm older, or have struggled for longer, or what? I guess i'm disappointed that there is no expectation upon me, for perhaps if there were i'd be able to stand up to it and achieve a greater degree of freedom than I currently know. I would actually like to return to the place where I no longer obsessed over calories, weight, etc, and actually live a full life. I've experienced this once for a brief period after a residential stint, and it was the best time of my life. It has only been within that residential context however where I have ever managed to reach my set point and maintain it until I was able to accept it. I fear I will never reach that point again. How do you do it? How do you just let go and get on with it? Is support vital or is personal advocacy enough? I'm convinced I do not have the tools to cope with this task alone, but I would like to learn. I would like to know how to manage distressing emotions, and I guess i'm about to start this with my mindfulness course i'm taking, but I don't yet have this knowledge or experience. In Mercy I had staff and my counsellor to turn to at these moments, somebody else whom could talk down the voice of the eating disorder and help with my perception and reality. And while I have therapists i'm working with now, they are not at my beckon call 24/7 as they were in that setting. I carry so much shame in still being caught up in this, it's such an adolescent illness and yet here I am at 36 years still struggling. How do I get out of this entanglement?
Wednesday, 8 July 2015
In the midst of struggle
I'm not doing particularly well right now, ever since I weighed myself and saw that my weight had dropped. I'm no longer over-joyed at this however, the reality of what it takes to restrict and keep it down (or less) has hit me, and it sucks away all life. Once again I find my thoughts near 100% devoted to eating and not eating, and my weight, leaving little room for anything or anyone else. I don't want this to be my life anymore, yet I find myself stuck here unable to make that first jump over the hurdle into regular eating again. I saw my therapist yesterday and she asked how can we help to get you back on track, I told her there wasn't anything she could do, that I just needed to make that choice and get on with it, kind of like feel the fear and do it anyway, and we left it at that. My next appointment is in 3 weeks so I have plenty of time to get back on track, or plenty of time to lose more weight. The latter is inviting but simultaneously will only make things more difficult for me to resume non-behavioured living, oh this is so ridiculous. I just need to fucking throw food down my throat. My mood however is also low at the moment, no doubt due to the many weeks of illness I've just had/continue to have. We still don't have a diagnosis, but are making headway in the process of elimination. Yesterday my GP put me on a beta blocker to prevent the migraines, it was the lesser of two evils, but i'm not particularly happy about it. It causes my bp and hr to drop, and leaves me with absolutely no energy. I was supposed to be back at work this week, and I managed Monday and Tuesday (with repercussions, but worked none-the-less), yesterday was my day off, and today I was meant to be back, but I woke up this morning and could not open my eyes. I don't know if that was the result of the beta blocker, or if it was another atypical migraine, or if my body is just so exhausted from all of this it still needs to rest. I called in sick anyway, and then went back to sleep until midday! At that point I could have rolled over and continued sleeping but decided i'd better get out of bed or i'd be awake all night and still exhausted come tomorrow morning. But coming back to my mood, it has definitely taken a downward turn, which makes the whole eating thing harder- it's like i'm lacking the motivation and am filled with lethargy. I'm not even committed to returning to hockey to complete the competitive season anymore. I hate depression, it's so damn debilitating. Anxiety I am far more comfortable with. So where to from here? I need loving support yet am not prepared or able to reach out to anybody irl, and the shame of this damn disorder is so great that it prevents me from doing so even if there was someone. If only I physically felt well enough to exercise, then i'm sure I could turn this around. Unfortunately that is not yet the case, so what does one do?
Wednesday, 1 July 2015
Re-centered
After a wee lapse whereby I consciously restricted my intake, and engaged in a bp session over the past few days, I have since considered my actions, and decided that I should have engaged my brain before the bp and employed the opposite action, which would have been one of self-care/self-soothing. I've also decided to find some positive quotes to help with my body image to write up on the blackboard on my wall, and on my bathroom mirror. It may sound trite but i'm prepared to give it a go. I also want to feed myself all the positivity I can, and try and recognise any negative messages I listen to and see if I can contradict them- or at very least, recognise them and let them pass. I am supposed to be starting a mindfulness course in 4 weeks time, so thought i'd try and get some practise in first, for i'm surely going to suck at 'experiencing/living the moment'. I think I am doing better at this, but it's never been a strong point of mine, and has typically been something I've run a mile from. Anything to do with feeling or experiencing and i'm done.
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